Pumped up

These last few days I’ve tried a double pump of Testavan gel. Two pumps is what the endocrinologist said would give me a “normal’ testosterone level.

I’m not certain that it’s given me any more energy, but it has made me hornier. For example, I was more vulnerable to the charms of the workman – I’m not sure that was one of my better decisions. And I’ve cum twice in two days: I haven’t managed so much since before I was castrated.

Actually, I would go as far as to say that my decisions on testosterone haven’t been as good as my decisions without it – and I don’t just mean sexploits – I’m thinking that my singlemindedness was much stronger when I was on testosterone … ironically for my testicles, I think that my castration was one such example. Not that that was a bad decision, but the way I handled it with my husband wasn’t very good.

Worried

I’m still feeling queasy over the encounter with the workman. Not because of him – he was good looking older guy, fitter than many half his age – but because I think I have to tell my husband. However I am unclear on that.

I am very afraid that my husband will have a meltdown when I tell him, even though this has been something that we have talked about and around for quite some time. I don’t see another way that honours authenticity.

The excitement of the encounter contrasts unpleasantly with the subsequent doubt and over-thinking.

One thing I do not want to do is cause my husband pain. I have done quite enough of that.

What are the rules?

I think we need more conversations on what the “rules” of an open relationship are. The rules we talked about before going to the sauna only encompassed the sauna visit and no other scenarios. I don’t know whether having play-partners at home is allowed or not, so I am not clear on whether I have broken a rule or not. I suppose, if the rules haven’t been discussed, then nothing is broken. Or should I assume that unless the rules are discussed tat the “old” rules (of being monogamous) apply? My friend, Tacitus, has warned me against over thinking – I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes!

I would also say that the word “open” as in “open relationship” also means honesty and transparency. Both of those things require courage.

Being authentic with my feelings, and open and transparent with my thoughts and actions are values that are important to me.

Migraine

This is end of the weekend. The encounter with the floor-guy was on Friday; today is Sunday. I’m still not feeling great about it.

I can recall the thinking on the stairs as he seducing me. Was it allowed in the house? Would my husband be glad that I’d made a move and not left it to him to go first? I think that he felt that I wanted him to go first to give me permission to do it myself.

Internally, I am tying myself in knots about it. That could be causing the migraine.

Stupidly, I went to see Beetlejuice Beetlejuice this afternoon. Stupid because noisy cinemas are not a place to go when one has a migraine. The film would have waited until it came to a streaming service. I don’t think they are bringing so many films to DVD as they did, and there is no telling which streaming service it would have ended up on. It could have ended up like Hocus Pocus II on Disney and therefore be unreachable to me (for now).

And here ends my long weekend. With a headache.

On balance, it was good though!