I got home from counselling at the flat last night. My husband was in some kind of mood; it became apparent when I asked him whether he would mind doing as he’d suggested and leaving the house so that I could have counselling. He went into a grumble that its highly unusual for a counsellor to visit people in their own home. I explained (again) that I found that I preferred it since I didn’t immediately forget the session when I left it and I like to make notes.

When I got back to the house, husband commented that I was alter than usual, so I explained that I like to stay in the space and reflect on the session for a while, then I had to pack up the ornaments and suchlike from the flat.

He then said that he felt really angry with me, but didn’t know why.

Like an idiot, I tried to explore a little, aware of the time that it mightn’t be possible to spend long on it. He was crabby and I withdrew.

It seems that he was angry that we’d not talked about “us” since last week.

OK, we hadn’t really. I am not certain why, but I think it was a busy weekend. And the one time we could have spoken about it, he’d already gone out for a coffee when I got back form the recycling centre and picking the dog up.

His mood remained scratchy all night, but he had made cookies, and we had a couple.

I went to bed at ten, but I took a beta-blocker and a few gummies to help me calm down before sleep. I read a little and did a “systems test” (plenty of eunuch goo produced!)

This morning I woke up in time for the gym, but I had that same feeling as I had when I went to bed. I felt almost despairing and thinking that I cannot live with him and that we will have to fix the house up as quickly as possible and so forth. Actually, there is a feeling that I would like to hurt myself or take pills or something (don’t worry, I am not going to).

Holding onto feelings isn’t uncommon in people, but knowing that I do this enables me to accept the existence of the feeling and know that it will pass on its own and that I don’t need to get more stressed over it.

In the past, I would feel that my feelings were “wrong” somehow. They aren’t: I feel what I feel.

On further thought, I wonder whether the impact of my husband’s anger feels greater because I was already feeling emotional – vulnerable – after counselling and stripping the flat.

I wonder what this evening will bring …