Morning wood

I woke this morning with what my husband and I referred to as a “piss erection”. Basically, if you don’t go to the loo in the night and you sleep through, you might wake up needing a wee … I think some men’s body’s learn that it is very difficult (if not impossible) to pee when there’s an erection.

It feels good to wake most mornings with wood, even if (sometimes) they are my body’s way to stop me wetting the bed!

This prompted a few thoughts for me:

1. I didn’t have piss erections while I was without testosterone.
2. I’ve noticed that since my castration, I have needed to get up much less in the night; even now, I am waking far less in the night to go for a wee. I am on a low dose of Testavan¹, about half the dose the endocrinologist would like me to be taking.

Weight gain

On this half dose, I have some libido, but its not crippling and it feels good to have a play with myself a few times a week.

I have some energy (I could do with a little more). When I remember, I am still taking vitamin B supplements and Ashwagandha; both of these are left over from before I started the testosterone therapy.

With less energy, I am doing less exercise. I am also eating about the same as before my surgery, with my already sweet tooth craving even more sweet things. This could be because, without the effect of testosterone on my metabolism, my body craves the quick release energy from sugar.

I am starting to restart running; these are very short runs (less then 3km at the moment), but I am starting to find a routine for fitting them in. I am also going to the gym some mornings before work; I enjoy spinning² at the gym. I don’t feel drawn to resistance training³, however, given the lower testosterone levels it would make sense to begin to incorporate that into my routine to help protect my bones and muscles.

This means, that for the first time in a long time, I am putting on weight. I am beginning to stretch my size 32″ jeans. I suppose, I have been a size 34″ in the past, before I got into exercise (funny, I prefer the rational metric system to the Imperial system, but TVs, jean-sizing, and cocks are all measured in inches for me!).

I do not want to lose the confidence I have gained in my body since my castration to be countered by feeling uncomfortable about the rest of my body.

Emotional

I do, however, feel pretty good on it.

I am more emotional – which raises other problems (“what are these feelings things?”). However, I like feeling more emotional, even if I can’t always manage them very well.

The range of feelings seems both wider and deeper: I feel deep contentment in myself. I enjoy things more, such as reading and my piano practice. I do also feel deep sadness and grief for the loss of my mum – five years ago, but always present. And I feel intense love for my husband.

I no longer feel afraid of the excesses of my emotions – the horrifying mood drops that led to a couple of serious self-harm and suicide attempts seem to be a thing of the past.

I have learnt to accept the strange and irrational emotions that my ASD brings: I feel range (which I contain – mostly) when I am asked to break my concentration or do something I don’t want/have an interest in doing – or, truthfully, I am asked to do anything. I know to feel the feeling and let it go. They pass on their own.

I do feel happy in my body.

1. Testavan is a topical testosterone hormone replacement treatment; it is as a gel, usually applied in the morning. ↩︎
2. Indoor cycling to music. ↩︎
3. Weight bearing exercise. ↩︎