I always feel excited to see my counsellor. These are sometimes very difficult sessions, but we also laugh. Most importantly, I feel utterly supported and validated by him.

We’re talked at some length about my marriage. The difficulties of communicating, the risks of sharing his I feel, and the danger of my husband being triggered. The tension between the need to talk and the fear of consequences of sharing my thoughts.

I said that if I knew that my husband would be better off without me, that it would be a no-brainer: I’m not talking about being a martyr or taking my own life, but I would have us separate because I love him and I care desperately for him.

The truth is: I do not want to lose him.

The conversation then turned towards looking at what it was about being together I liked and what I liked about my own space. I started writing two lists:

Apart

• Comfort
• Self-exploration
• Security
• Stability
• (eat better) }
• (sleep better) } these two I could manage together if I communicated better

This is all about me and how I feel. I guess it can be no other way.

Together

• Comfort
• Safety I crossed this out because the counsellor suggested –
• Consistency
• Affection
• Challenge
• Triggers

Again, this is about my perspective on things, however there is something important that I forgot to mention in counselling: the importance of a rich and varied shared history together and a strong desire to continue our story together.

Triggers

I then took triggers and started a new list because the first five items under “together” were generally positive on their own.

• Lack of safety
• Unreasonable
• Dangerous
• Lack of sleep

We talked about how my unofficial role was carer has upset the equilibrium in our relationship. The counsellor suggested that my husband and I could talk about how that role could be done by somebody else.

I cannot trust that he will never be triggered again. I cannot predict what will trigger him. I cannot not say what I am feeling – that would be just as injurious towards him. I have harmed him so much by sitting on my feelings and then they leak out sideways.

S*x

Sadly, sex remains a thing in our relationship. We have sort of opened up, but I hesitate to do anything more without knowing how husband feels. I don’t want to upset him further.

Actually, wit my life as it is, I don’t have space for the additional complication of sex.

I enjoy sex with myself at the moment (that sounds sad), but at least I don’t have to deal with any awkward conversations about it!

Commitment

I wondered whether all my husband really needed was for me to commit to him and our marriage. I love him so much that it hurts. I care about him so very deeply. I don’t want to be without him.

I love him.

He loves me.

I’m not the only one with questions.

Does he still want me?

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Popping a question

I asked my counsellor how he would feel about being included in our eunuch wiki. He is more than happy to and seemed to be touched by the thought.