Emotional dip

It’s been an emotional day, but I am unable to put my fingers on why that is. There was a company meeting where a question I had asked was read out; it was such a long time ago that is asked that I’d forgotten the whole thing. My boss asked me about it, and something about the conversation upset me. Again, I do but know why.

The roof repairs were completed today. So that’s one less worry.

The surveyor for the boiler is coming tomorrow.

I feel that I have a handle in everything – there are a lot of plates spinning, but none are falling off at the moment.

I’m just feeling a bit low today.

Maybe I am feeling overwhelmed by everything that is going on.

Counselling

This was challenging at times, and afterwards I admitted to my counsellor that at times my head felt like glue – which is a warning of a shutdown approaching. I said that I’d be ok because it was the end of the session. He did ask what I needed though. I said that I was ok and that I wasn’t going to curl up on the rug this time.

I felt very emotional at times, and I couldn’t easily express my thoughts or my feelings.

Talking things over about my husband, I’m feeling more like we stay together as a couple but live apart. Choosing to spend time together. During this intentional time in each other’s company we can be focused.

I find this deeply upsetting to think about.

I love cuddling my husband and the warmth of his body next to mine.

My counsellor said that was creating a hard boundary between us that would give us both safe spaces.

Long term support

One day, and it’s probably not too far away, I will have to send counselling. That thought makes me very sad, because he is the best I’ve ever had.

We talked about Alanon as a long term support for me. I left Alanon after mum died – somehow the magic had died. He’s suggested that I look to the NA equivalent.

Alanon is a twelve step recovery program for the friends and relatives of alcoholics.

He also asked about my husband and AA. I explained that sometimes AA can be too blaming and fingerpointing for the victims of sexual abuse. Maybe if the NA equivalent to Alanon works for me, my husband might want to try it for himself.

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion.

AA Tradition 11

Twelve step programs work gather members by word of mouth from people who are successfully working the program. You should never see or hear an advert for a twelve step recovery program.

Giggles

We did have a few giggles; at one point he was trying to remember the name of the NA equivalent to Alanon. I thought that he said NRA, which immediately put the line “so I took the shotgun off the wall and I fired two warning shots … into his head!” Which the counsellor immediately recognised as being from the musical “Chicago”. Sigh. We have so much in common!

And I shared a little about my affection for my eunuch brothers. I love them very much and have some quite profound connections.

I started to go on about the Wiki project, but time was up … if he’d been willing to listen, is have time on about it all night!

Lights off

I’d returned to the flat for counselling, and we’d say on the floor as we’re always done. But when it was over and if said goodbye, I sit the flat down and drove home.

My mood didn’t lift any – in fact a further going set in, which expressed itself in irritation with every other driver on the road.