Schooldaze

I remember at school, that I was bullied for being a bit weird. Geek or nerd were the kinder insults. It was usually my unusual surname. You’d think from the way I was picked on that I was descended from some foreign stock, but the name is actually more common in Essex than in the west country where I grew up.

As a result, I have never liked my surname.

“Weirdo!” Shouted at me across the playground – to intimidate. A look would precipitate getting threatened with a beating. The actual event of a beating was rare, fortunately.

Learning to mask and pass

I must have developed this inoffensive half-smile around this time. A sort of mask to make me look harmless.

I might have white privilege, but being singled out for a strange name gives me a little window into what life might be like for kids today with more foreign sounding names. I do hope that the world has changed.

Sporting torture

I was bullied for not being sporty. I hated all sports. School sports in the eighties were all team events. I was often the last to be picked. I couldn’t run very far or very fast. Balls terrified me (no giggling at the back!)

Today, I like to run or cycle – by my self.

Punished for being bright

I was bullied for being a “swot” or “keener”. Swots are kids who read up on subjects out of school time. There’s also the verb “to swot” which means to revise for an exam. A “keener” is somebody who likes school and gets in with the teachers. Generally, teachers liked me because I enjoyed learning. Even the PE teachers liked me and would sometimes take pity on me and let me “play squash” (sit in a squash court and talk with friends).

I remember that there was something about my dad that was a cause for being bullied. I do not remember what that was though. I think it was his pipe, which was unusual even back then.

The weird collective

I was lucky that I had a small clique of friends who shared my weirdness in one way or another. Having even one person that I could count as a friend would have been marvellous, but I had five people in varying degrees, who were in some measure friends and shared aspects of my weirdness.

That gave me the appearance of “fitting in”. I’m any event, in those days, there was no concept of autism or ADHD beyond the character player by Dustin Hoffman in “Rainman”. My brother, five years my junior, in modern parlance might have been thought of as ADHD. In those days, he was just a problem pupil.

Homophobic bullying

The worst bullying was in my early teens when the “gay”, “queer”, and “bum chum” were casually thrown at me. I didn’t know what that meant, other than that were supposed to hurt me. There started my internalised homophobia – and transphobia. I became terrified of being gay.

Even when I came to terms with my own homosexuality, there was a residual of internalised homophobia in my dislike of campness – that has taken a lot of growing out of.

As an adult

Workplace bullying

I was bullied in my first job by some guy my own age. I hated being on shift at the same time as him. That was the last time I was bullied.

There’s have been the occasional times when I’ve been roughed up for being gay. That was bad in the early nineties. I was even roughed up in the foyer of one of the nicer restaurants in town.

Post-nineties Bristol, I never experienced any homophobia at work or in the streets.

I’ve been jeered at in the streets in Southampton. I suppose Bristol is a bit more liberal and cosmopolitan (and richer) than Southampton.

Transphobia

When I was young, “trannies” were always a cause for ridicule (one of my bosses referred to another colleague as a “he-she”). I had that same level of hypocrisy that exists in many – its alright for somebody else to be gay/trans as long as its not anybody I actually know. All reinforcing that inner transphobia that took so long to root out.

However, whilst I’d managed to come to terms with being gay and overcome my inner homophobia (and I’d been an out proud gay man), it wasn’t until last year that I had to face my inner transphobia – when I came out as non-binary.

Even within the gay community, there was always a level of transphobia. They were barely tolerated and received no respect.

This really played into my inner transphobia, and stopped me exploring my gender identity for a very long time. I have wasted more than half a life being somebody other than my authentic self.

Developing my Pride

I’m not ashamed to be a eunuch – I love what I am – but I’m not quite at the same level of confidence as for my gayness.

I hope to get there because I’m not the only eunuch in the world – and to be visible, happy, and proud might make someone else realise that they can be too. Just as I hoped being a visible out and proud gay man might help those struggling with their identity, I hope that being a visible out and proud eunuch will help others come to terms with their gender identity.