Nervous goodbye

A realisation

While I was trying to sleep last night, my brain decided that it wasn’t ready and started chattering at me:

The house isn’t secure: the back window will be open and nobody will be living there.

I have to move back into the house even sooner than I thought.

I have to move back ASAP.

That said, I am going to stay at the flat tonight and Friday night; Wednesday and Thursday I shall stay at the flat.

I am missing my flat already!

In the countryside

When I got to the house to pick up Hubby, he was shaking with nerves. He really could have done with an extra day or two to get his head around moving to the supported living place. He faffed a little worrying that he’d forgotten something. I gave him the “keys/fags/phone/chargers/toiletries” checklist. he had everything.

The place is the other side of Winchester in the countryside. The scenery around that was is magnificent! Such a peaceful place to spend a a time recovering from life’s trials.

Hubby chuntered as we drove, letting his nerves drive his mouth. His legs jittering.

Many years ago, he would sometimes spend time in a place in the centre of Bristol. Sometimes I would beg for them to find him a room so that I could have a break from his illness (that sounds horrible). This time I had no such need to have him looked after, however, even while I am alone in the safety of my flat I am worrying about him and hoping that he’s ok.

I will be better able to relax my concerns for him while he is somewhere safe and being cared for.

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My own therapy

You can’t rush towards therapy

I went to the house to lock it up for the night, which meant turning off the big dehumidifier and closing a few windows. As I was leaving I got a call from somebody at work: they were trapped in the building.

I had to go back to let them out and turn off the alarm.

I drove a bit crazy, I swore a lot and banged the steering wheel, I screamed and shouted.

I essentially had a bit of a contained meltdown.

I let my counsellor know that I was going to be late. He was fine with it.

When I got there, the police were waiting outside.

I turned off the alarm, let the entrapped employee out, then sat down and breathed for ten minutes – I was moments away from a panic attack. Not fun.

Once I calmed down, I checked the building over, had a cookie and gave the police officers a couple of cupcakes. They were happy.

Then I tried to set the alarm. No joy. I finally noticed that there was a code on screen that I had to give somebody. No idea who, but there were a few numbers near the alarm so I thought to try those.

As I opened my phone I noticed that the head of IT was calling. I hadn’t heard it because my phone automatically goes into “do not disturb” when I’m at the office!

The alarm situation was quickly resolved and I was able to scoot back to the falt to see my counsellor.

Having a laugh

He arrived after I’d whipped round with the vacuum cleaner and had a five minute lie down.

I really love the time I send with him – he is so understanding and patient with me. We also laugh a lot.

He believes that I have ASD and seems to take a genuine joy in my discoveries about myself.

We talked a little about polyamory. I may be. I may not be. However, he suggested that I might not have felt jealous when my husband sucked a few of guys because I knew what the score was and I went into it with the attitude of “please have fun”. My husband didn’t have that same attitude, even though we had the same agreement.

We talked about the dog incident and how I took what my husband had said at face value. Another example of me taking things literally. We talked a bit about how we could change that going forward – maybe my husband could be clearer, perhaps I could question things more.

We also talked about hubby’s crappy message when I git home. We’d had a row on the phone, I never message him when I travel because a) I travelled a lot over the time I had off in the summer, and b) I’d normally be returning to the house where he’d be, so it just doesn’t figure as part of my routine.

We talked about our different ways of expressing emotion (I am very demonstrative and use words and touch), he is considerate and buys thoughtful things.

It really was a lovely session, but now I am tired!