Sanitation

Starting the day

I was up at half-seven, greeted by a nice erection thanks to the testavan. I had a couple of coffees, some breakfast, showered, then was off to the house.

The first job was to remove the existing toilet. That was simple enough and wasn’t too difficult.

Olfactory memories

You know how some countries have a smell that can take you back instantly? Like Madeira had the bay and eucalyptus forests, Italy is forever the smell of two-stroke scooters, Nepal was … sadly … open sewerage. In the forests and up in the mountains above civilization the air is pure, however you always knew when you were approaching a village and it was the smell of the open sewer emptying directly into the clear mountain stream; which was why it’s guides were really not happy for us to go in the water!

And that was the smell of the foul water pipe.

Progress

Then we ripped up the laminate flooring and underlay that was under the toilet. It was glued down with expanding foam to even the floor out.

We tried to rescue the existing connector by giving it a clean. I took it in the garden and tried the hose on jet. I got a little bit of splash-back on my face, which made me gag.

It wasn’t tight, however, and there was a leak. Off I went to B&Q to get another – and have a wee.

Once the foul water pipe was connected, the god-awful smell disappeared.

The rest of the fitting was very straight forward.

Bacon butties

After we’d got the cistern attached, I nipped to the corner shop and bought some bacon. Upon realising that there was no bread, I dashed over there again. Fortunately, it’s only at the end of the road.

Bacon butties are the perfect lunch when working – tasty and restorative!

Would you mind … ?

I’d just finished the last bits of tidying up in the bathroom, when the husband asked me to vacuum the stairs.

That familiar rage rose in me, which was quickly swallowed, although not before the husband noticed it.

The stairs didn’t take long really, and the husband swept up the lounge. At least the house feels less dirty and broken now.

I was glad that he cares enough to ask for things to be done. He helped as well today. Normally, he might have done it all.

Knackered!

I have a shower, scrubbing everything several times to get the sense of filth off me.

Then I came downstairs and slouched on the settee, scribbled on my blog, and then despite the noise from the dehumidifiers, course my eyes for forty winks.

---

The talk

Summarising our options

I began by reading what I wrote on my blog yesterday to my husband, just to outline the choices we have facing us. I know it’s an emotional situation, but I’m facing those options around staying together or separating, living together of apart, as a logistical problem.

I think he was a bit upset by what I read, but he didn’t comment on that.

A quote

Then I read a section out from another post that I’m working on:

It’s not fun to be called upon to expand your relationship in ways you never agreed for, nor to deal with your beloved’s desire for other lovers after they’ve promised to foresake all others; you may be feeling like you’ve had an abyss open up under your feet, with no solid ground anywhere to stand on.

The Ethical Slut, Page 189

My husband has struggled with everything that’s gone on:

• First, he heard that I had dark sexual fantasies that he’d realised that I’d been coercing him into helping me fulfil.
• He was so shocked by that revelation that he missed the humdinger launched at in the same conversation: his husband wanted to be castrated.
• Then he realised that his husband wanted to open the relationship up.
• Which he took to mean that he wasn’t good enough.
• Then this opening up request, developed to almost seem like a request for polyamory.
• Finally, when he’d had enough and needed some space, he asked his husband to leave … only for his husband to then find that he liked his own space!It’s no wonder that my husband struggles so much with what’s happened to him because of the upheavals in my life as I try to work out who I am.

It’s no wonder that my husband struggles so much with what’s happened to him because of the upheavals in my life as I try to work out who I am.

He never imagined that this quiet, reserved, and somewhat prudish person held such depths.

He’s suddenly realised that he never really knew me. After twenty-seven years together, that is one hell of a shock for anybody.

It’s shattered his fragile self-esteem and left him so much more vulnerable. It is heartbreaking to see this man that I love so broken by the changes in my life.

I have been so confused. I have also been honest. These two things don’t work well too reassure anybody.

It’s possible, that my husband would have been up for an open relationship way back at the beginning when he was still young and excited for life’s possibilities. At the age of sixty he is offered freedom – and he feels that he is too old to enjoy it. It’s not surprising that he feels more than a little angry and resentful about it.

None of this has been his choice.

This gave him a lot to think about. I had expected him to understand that I was recognising the deep affect that this last year of chaos from me has had on him. I suppose it did really – it certainly have him encouragement to talk about his feelings.

There was a lot of talk about boundaries. I owned that I have really struggled with boundaries and have either ignored his or taken things he’s said do to heart that I’ve been imprisoned by rules that just don’t exist. I explained that I have a need for clear boundaries – but I also have a responsibility to ensure that I understand what is being asked of from me.

I noted that in the program we were watching yesterday, that one of the chaps said to his girlfriend that he understood that actually she just wanted to be heard, she did not want him to fix things. Explain to my husband that I have a problem solving brain, and that when I’m told a problem emotional or practical, but I immediately go into trying to solve it. The trick is to recognise that that’s what my brain is going to do, accept it, let it do its own thing in the background, what the focus on hearing what is being said – discard the result of whatever my brain comes up with!

My husband recognises that he needs to come up with the written list of what he’s feeling and what he needs, which will then give us a basis for negotiation and compromise.

This afternoon filters that we’re reaching some sort of understanding. I might be speaking prematurely, we may be getting somewhere.

It wasn’t a bad afternoon really!

However, we’re eating Chinese takeaway … again.