Husband

Pissed off

Today has been another day of zipping to and from the house. I’ve done bucket loads of laundry; the husband will now have one clean bed to sleep in.

Lunchtime, I went over to check on him and let the dog out. He said “you’re pissed off with me, aren’t you?” I didn’t want to answer, but silence was no good, and neither would anything except the truth do.

“Yes, I’m fucking pissed off,” I give myself saying, “I haven’t felt safe in my own house for twenty years!”. That was neither the way nor the tone to say that. Ideally, I wanted to lie all the possibilities for the future out and work through each of them together. A joint decision for the future.

Feeling broken

When I went to the flat this evening, taking dinner and two bags of clean things, he was sat watching telly. This is an improvement.

When I say with him while tea was cooking, he started to talk – she he was crying. I watched, more fascinated than anything else: it upsets me that he feels so sad and so low, but I couldn’t express it.

He thinks that I have moved on and that there is no place in my life for him.

Even with everything that has ever happened, I do not want that to be true.

I am afraid that it might be true.

I’m out walking the dog this evening. There’s something he wants to talk to me about when I get back …

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Other life things

Masking

I remember saying to one counsellor, long ago, that I never knew when I should smile so I always wore a half-smile. I said to my current counsellor that I knew what that was now: it’s one of the ways I mask. How is it that none of my previous counsellors never realised that I was ASD?!

Mornings

I’m now on testosterone, one pump, every day. Most mornings I seem to wake with erections! That’s even more regular than my uncastrated body! Last night I was very cold and woke up a lot; every time I woke up I had a great stonking boner!