Morning

Slow start

The alarm went off at 7am. I ignored it and finally got up at eight. I don’t normal have a sleeper in the week, but I was shattered and needed to make sure that I got a decent night, however they do make it a bit harder to come around first thing.

I was at the house for eight-thirty. Fed and watered the dog, had another coffee, emptied the dehumidifiers, flushed the toilet with a bucket of water, then took my husband a coffee.

He was very confused and groggy and cannot walk. He’d broken his bed again, so I moved him into the sofa and repaired it. It looked like he’d taken a week’s worth of medication. Fortunately, that’s all the doctor will give him at the moment.

I noticed the heating wasn’t coming on, despite the thermostat being set at thirty-degrees (Celsius). Water had also run down that wall and apparently damaged that bit of kit as well. Luckily, even though the weather is a bit dreary and grey, it’s still warm.

Assessor

I was just about to take the dog out and have another coffee when he arrived.

I explained what had happened. There was no point telling him anything other than the truth. Turns out his son is also bipolar. The assessor guy commented that it’s strange that “they let them self-medicate”. True. Especially given the fire and flood dangers, not too mention the horrendous number of overdoses.

He measured all the rooms and took photos of everything. He seemed thorough. My worry is that I keep noticing things that are damaged.

It seems that we will be offered a cash settlement or for contractors to do the work. Needs discussion with my husband, however, contractors have an attraction since they would take the least time … and I’m thinking we may be wanting to sell.

I am also clear to start lifting and disposing of the ruined flooring to help the house dry out.

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Afternoon

Raising the floor

Starting in one corner, I begin to lift the laminate floor, revealing the beat-up, but otherwise gorgeous wooden floor underneath.

I loved the real wood floor, but my husband didn’t like the gaps and dents in it, which to me gave it character. To hide it, we covered it with laminate flooring – the very stuff that now has to come up.

It was back-breaking work trying to rip it up, mostly, I think, because the corner I had to start with wasn’t the “right” place (because of the way laminate flooring goes down, clicking into place, it would normally unclick out).

Professional help

I’d got halfway through the dining area when the workmen arrived. Am enormousky tall fellow called Adam.

He did his own assessment, and then started stripping wallpaper and scoring the plaster to help it dry.

I took up the floor in the bathroom, as best as I could. I had to stop by the sink and toilet because the flooring was beneath these fixtures and the last thing I wanted to do was cause another leak. I’m quite happy to leave this to people who know what they’re doing!

I found that I wasn’t nearly as strong as I used to be eight months ago. Low testosterone has taken its toll on my muscles! Let that be a warning to them as wants their balls removed!

Meanwhile, Adam also took up the rest of the lounge area floor and the hallway floor. I guess, he’s done this hundreds of times.

He had an interest in the age and architecture of the building, pointing out original features.

He also cleaned up some mould that had started to grow overnight. It wasn’t there yesterday!

Done (in)

In about five hours, we’ve done a load of work. Fortunately for Adam and the Assessor, my husband hasn’t emerged while they’ve been here. I’m afraid that I’ve not looked in on him, although I can hear him grumbling from time to time.

I’m pretty tired now, but in a good way. Physical tired is a much more pleasant feeling than emotionally tired.

Introducing…

As Adam was putting plastic onto the walls to help with the intensive drying, the husband attempted to come down stairs.

He was convinced he was in the wrong house and tried to leave. On his bum, because his legs were so shaky from the prescription meds and alcohol.

Adam was worried that hubby would be disturbed my the noise from the dehumidifiers, but I managed to get husband into the sofa and smoking.

I am sure that the husband will be mortified when he realises that people have been in the house and seen him in that state, but it cannot be helped.

My back aches and I am so tired.

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Evening

Counselling

I am always so glad to see my counsellor. He has a great smile and I find him so easy to talk to. I struck hold with him!

Obviously, the first part of the session was a verbal vomit of an update on the chaos of the last few days.

Whilst talking, I realised a few things:

• I feel angry. I feel angry because, whilst I mightn’t be the greatest emotional support there is, at least I’m still here. I show up. If he’s in difficulty, he phones me.
• I feel angry and frustrated that I can’t speak my mind with my husband for fear of him having a meltdown. This makes me feel that things are very unfair.
• I feel neutral about swapping with my husband. It will be sat much easier to get the house cleaned up if I’m living there.
• Even in its current state, I can still make it nice for me to live in. My eunuchorns, pink, Lego people, can all come and just bring a little bit if Jay with them.
• I think that one is the reasons I am drawn towards a Dom is that I associate stability with hyper-masculine dominant guys.
• I need routine. Whether that’s part of ASD or not. However, routine is also important for people with bipolar.
• Even if we went our separate way, he’d still call me in a crisis.
• We may have to live apart.
• If he wants a quick solution, then I could buy him out of the house. It seems to me that we can agree anything we want, was looking as we agree.
• The thought of living in the house doesn’t fill me with dread – it’s the chaos and stress of living with my husband that’s the stress.
• If we decided to stay together, then perhaps we could agree that on certain days that we completely do our own thing, and on other days we do something together.
• I do love him, I care for him, I want to find a way through.
• I am prepared for the possibility that we might not be able to stay together.

There were a few times where I got really emotional. It was an easy session in as much as I know that I can say whatever I need to to my counsellor; I can try things out for size.

Back to the house

I’m just packing up a few things. It’ll just be less stress if I sleep over there. I can better look after the dog and the husband if I’m there tonight.

I’m going into the office tomorrow, so starting from and returning to the house after work also means that the dog won’t be on her own so much.

I’m probably fine back to the flat for a few hours tomorrow night, but I’m planning to stay at the house for a couple of nights.