I started by recounting some of events of recent days; specifically starting testosterone and it visit to the sauna.

I’m trying to write this with a mind like glue. Like my brain is trying to ease through treacle.

I’ll go the end and and work backwards.

I am lying on my side on the floor in the foetal position. My emotions have completely overwhelmed me and I have shut down. My counsellor has carefully led me there and has quietly let himself out.

Before then, I said to him that my brain feels like glue. That my head hurts. Tension maybe.

I know that I said that the idea of leaving my husband, of not being with him any more causes me pain. That was the realisation.

I remember trying to give words to my feelings. I’m sat there, tears streaming down my face. My throat constricting. I’m trying to find out – to work out what this feeling is. It doesn’t feel like fear or sadness. My experience of grief was just an emptiness that went on and on and on. This isn’t it. I’m confused. I’m frustrated. I cannot find the words.

We were talking about the deadline that my husband has set. He’s realised that he too must decide whether he wants to be with me. Whether I am right for him – enough for him. This is right.

I feel guilt that I have hurt him so much. I feel conflicted because I need/want to continue to explore me, but I also want to be with my husband. I want those precious moments of warmth on the sofa as I sprawl across him.

We talked about polyamory and open relationships. Maybe we both feel grief that what was is ending – even if what was wasn’t always very healthy for either of us.

We talked about me needing my own space to decompress and feel safe and explore and express myself.

And we talked about the visit to the sauna and what that was like for me.

I have written what I can tonight.

Tonight my brain needs to stop processing.

I think I might be in bed soon.

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I don’t often modify posts once I’ve made them, but I’ve been in bed for a while and I’ve remembered a few things about the session.

When my brain began to shut down, I had an urge to scream and throw things. After I suppressed that, things really got bad in my head.

There came a point near the end where I could hear my counsellor speaking, but I couldn’t follow the words. I nodded, but I couldn’t understand what was said. I only perceived the individual words, not the sentence.