Dinner Date

At the house

After the mental health nurse yesterday, I drove over to the house. The dog went delightfully bonkers when I walked into the house. Is there anything so lovely as a dog’s welcome home?

My husband was in the garden. I asked him to make me a coffee, and then I started talking (it’s rare that I lead the conversation). I asked him whether he felt left behind? It was something that he’d said way back last year when I started on the crazy journey.

Yes, he said, he does. I am in a journey with an unknown destination, and I don’t share where I’m at, what I’m thinking, where I’m going next. I don’t share things with him. I talk to counsellors, friends, random people, and write about it in my blog, but I don’t talk to him about things.

Sometimes, I might inform him if something, but not really for discussion. Not in any attempt to gain his interest or his opinion.

There it was

Our words haunt us

The “like it or lump it” came up again. I hate that phrase. That was the point where he felt that I started to accelerate away from him. That and the knowledge that I had shared some of my most intimate thoughts with strangers before is shared them with him.

I shared with him that counselling in my own space feels very safe, even if it means that I’m left with those feelings after my counsellor has left. Counselling has always been in somebody else’s space, with them sat in sensible chairs opposite or slightly to one side, and there’s felt like a power imbalance. With this counsellor, we feel more like equals going on the journey of discovery together. When he leaves, I write and reflect on the session. It seems that most of my previous sessions with all my other counsellors were practically wiped from my brain as I passed out of their therapy room back into the world.

Walkies

While we were out walking the dog, hubby shared some of his thoughts and feelings.

He started by talking about something is said this week.

I had three days holiday left this year and asked him whether he wanted to go to the BDSM club in Birmingham sometime, because if he did I wouldn’t use the holiday.

He is a thinker (an overthinker maybe?) and wondered whether I suggested going to the kink club so that I could find out whether he was “good enough” to fulfill all my needs before the end of his deadline.

I was a little surprised by this. I don’t know why I was surprised: I am hopeless at anticipating his thoughts and feelings on any subject.

I said it was simple: I had three days left over and if he didn’t have any plans for them, then I wanted to take them while there was still sun in the sky.

Jointly and separately

As we walked, he started reflecting on a new realisation he’d come to: it’s his decision too whether we stay together. He says that he’d create the deadline for my benefit (I still don’t understand the that one). However, he realises that it must also be too his benefit. He sounds point start with me if I can meet his needs.

I was pleased to hear that he’s finding it less frightening being on his own than previously. He’s always been with somebody in this life and has never had the quantity of time in his own as he has this last few months. I feel that he’s getting safer in his own – that makes me relax a little.

However, he really doesn’t want to consider me as having ASD as in his opinion I’ve not been adversely affected by it. I have been alright socially and that “only being able to do a couple of hours with people” is normal. I have no idea whether it is or not, but I don’t think that neuro-typical people get this sudden urge to run away and lock themselves in a quiet space to decompress.

A moment in the flat

He hovered at the lounge door for a while because I like me to have shoes off before going on the carpet. He eventually crawled over to the armchair while I messed about on the computer.

I then played him what I’ve learnt so far of Moonlight Sonata. He was a very kind audience.

On the way to the restaurant we talked about music; he likes Moonlight Sonata because it feels very emotional to him – even when I play it. I seem to prefer music without words. Somehow I find that more expressive that music with words.

Eating too much

I cannot move now I feel so full!

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The Big T

I’m reading the very detailed leaflet inside the Testavan document. There’s a little section that tells you what testosterone does in the body:

• It helps produce sperm, develop a deep voice, and body hair.
• It is necessary for normal sexual function and sex drive.
• By the way, not that important, I nearly forgot, it helps maintain muscle size and strength.

They are extremely clear that Testavan is not too be used by women, any women. However, beyond that they state using strong words that one has to be extremely careful not to allow pregnant women, breastfeeding women, or children to come into come into contact with the gel.

Do not allow women (especially women that are pregnant or breastfeeding) or children to come into contact with Testavan or the areas of skin where Testavan has been applied.

This message is reiterated several times in the leaflet.

It’s important to note that transfer of testosterone can happen in a single contact, or can be built up over time with a number of micro-contacts.

There is also a warning about taking Testavan if you suffer from migraines. I will presume that the endocrinologist is ok with that, since she was aware that I do get migraines.

There is an applicator that should be used to minimise the risk of hand to hand contact, however the leaflet and the endocrinologist state very clearly: wash your hands thoroughly after use.

Because of the risk to women and children, a friend of mine who takes the gel, prefers to take it at night.

It also suggests showing before having skin to skin contact with another person.

For general everyday purposes, wear clothing over the area where it was applied.

There is also a note that diabetics may need to reduce their insulin dose if using Testavan. I’m not diabetic, but I have a friend who is. They don’t use the gel because the applicator is uncomfortable in their body hair, however they do sometimes consider it’s use because the Nebido injections leave them with uncomfortable peaks and troughs in their T levels. Another reason he doesn’t use it was because he tended to forget to apply it.

The leaflet states that the gel should be applied to the upper arm and shoulder. I know that some people apply it to their chest. I wonder why that is?

Hey! Is this another example of ASD that I read medical leaflets carefully?

I’m thinking that the tissues that are used to clean up afterwards should be thrown into the rubbish rather than flushed. Flushing may be better where there are children or women sharing the space – you never know who might take it into their head to take out the rubbish,

A note for those with alcohol addictions: this product does contain ethanol; which is why the gel is flammable – let it dry before smoking or going near open flames.

Wait at least two hours before swimming or showering.

And let it completely dry before getting dressed.

There is quite a list of possible side-effects. Sadly, it is too late to worry about baldness.

The pump section contains 56 doses. At one every other day, this would last nearly four months. At the maximum dose stated by the package, that’s exactly 28 days.

I feel a knowledge base article coming on!

Like a virgin

Ok, not like a virgin, but this is my first time applying the gel.

After priming the pump to ensure that I got the correct dose, I did exactly one pump onto the head of the applicator. It was quite a small blob of clear gel.

The gel spreads thinly over a very wide area. Seven without a second pump, I was able to use the applicator to spread a little on the other shoulder.

I have set a timer for twenty minutes, which will mean that I’m later leaving the flat than I’d hoped.

My shoulder tingles. I think that’s just because I’m aware that it’s there. I’m also aware that I went too far down my arm and some if the skin I applied it to is not covered by my T shirt.

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Lunch with my family

At my brother’s house

The traffic was awful, so I was late getting to my brother’s house, so I didn’t get the time either with him or my nephews that is hyped for. We did have a bit of a talk though –

He said that he meant to phone dad yesterday (which was dad’s birthday), but keep putting it off and prevaricating. I said that was interesting because I feel very awkward around telephones too!

I need to get a drink. Make sure that I have the right apps open, or have a pen and paper ready, turned off the radio, make sure that I’m not hungry, then take a deep breath. This is the same whether it’s work, phoning the doctor, or calling my dad.

Is very interesting to note that he and I have the same problem around telephones. Is why neither of us like calling people!

A piece of news: my oldest nephew now has a formal autism diagnosis.

Lunch at the Beaufort

My brother and I drove separately to dad’s house, so that he could make a quick get away if it got too much for him, or he was summoned back to look after the boys.

When we got there, I made my brother and I a cup of tea: I’m afraid that this was with the intention of giving us was much sober time with dad as possible – he can get a bit aggy when he’s got a couple of pints in him.

The two of them started talking about AI – which is one of my specialist subjects. I began to get going and then realised that we’d end up missing lunch and tea if I got started on it! So we went round to the pup.

Memory lane

Dad started to reminisce about his times in various jobs. If heard it all before, and I don’t think my brother had. I kinda zoned out a little because it was so hard to hear over the background noise. I think my brother appreciated it. He’s said a few times that we’ll miss it when it’s gone.

I really don’t know how it came about, but I became aware that my brother and my dad was arguing whether or not they were closing mosques in Germany. I didn’t know, and I doubted that was exactly what was happening, but I’d not challenge anybody on it until I had some idea of the truth by checking it from a few sources.

Dad got really quite aggressive with my brother and was pointing his finger. My brother was messing about on his phone trying to find evidence, which dad then rejected because it wasn’t the BBC.

“Hey, you two, time out!” I asserted.

They both backed down, although nothing was really resolved. My brother later shared that dad often treated him like he had no idea about the world. I could see that dad felt like that; I’ve encountered it a few times myself, although I think that dad respects me a little more than my brother. I said to my bruv (typing “my brother” is a bother) that I usually just let it go: he’s eighty and he was bloody difficult to talk to when was were all younger and he’s not improved with age.

I was glad when bruv suggested going outside, now that the sun was shining, because I was finding it so difficult to deal with the background noise. They both said that they struggled with it. Dad commented that most people seem to be ok with background noise. I replied that I generally thought that everybody had the same problem as me – until I suddenly discovered that they don’t!

I returned the conversation to AI for a bit. Bruv was asking what the difference was between plain old Google and an AI. I said that Google was like a giant index, much like the index in an old fashioned encyclopedia. The more “hits” in the index, the higher up the search results the item appears. Of course, you can pay to boost your ranking. An AI is more like having a person who quietly gathers information from all the referenced pages in the encyclopedia, and writes you a summary of what it finds. I went on at quite some length about it – I could probably write oodles here too!

Dad suddenly asked “would you stop that please?” I was tapping. “You don’t know you’re doing it, do you? I used to do that.” He said. Interesting. I think that my drumming is a kind of stimming; it’s interesting to note that dad the same – although he seems to have stopped now. I don’t remember him ever doing it.

It was a really good day. The last time it was just the three of us was at mums bedside as she lay dying. I think she would have approved.