An afternoon in the park

I wasn’t sure whether my husband wanted to meet up today, and he’d been sending minimalist messages the day before (which is the day after he visited my flat).

We eventually agreed to meet up on Saturday afternoon in town.

The rest of the morning I did some work on the wiki writing an article on how to get testosterone out of the NHS, the effects of testosterone withdrawal, and supplements that help with testosterone withdrawal. When I start hormone treatment, I also have two articles which I’ll release when I start treatment: “castrated orgasms” and “preventing erectile dysfunction”. Until I start testosterone, I can’t be certain if what’s going to change!

I met husband outside Primark, then we got a couple of coffees and went and sat in the park.

Model behaviour

Last week, a fellow noticed my husband at the bus stop and admired his unique manner of dress and asked to take a photograph. Today, my husband met up with the photographer with a view to doing a photoshoot! My husband wants to do that to help build up his body confidence. I think that he’s so brave and I am very proud of him: he always pushes himself.

What would be too much information?

He commented on the “funny look” he saw when he said that we must have no secrets. I don’t know what look that would be. I’m also a bit worried about what that means – where does one draw the line? Admittedly, there shouldn’t be an intention to keep secrets, but at what point does disclosure become excessive exposure? Somehow, I need to convey my concerns and confusion over this to my husband and better understand what he means exactly.

A key component of this problem with secrets is that he has been the last person to find out about so manyb if the things that have been going on for me. He really should have been the first (there are reasons, but they do not apply going forward): he needs and deserves to know – as my husband he should know and I should feel safe sharing anything with him now. I don’t really have any “secrets” from him as such, just things I’ve not gotten around to saying!

Kinky

I returned briefly to the subject of kink. I need to know where we stand with kink. Would it be inappropriate to say that this forms part of my identity and I need to own and explore this? Can I ask that if he cannot help me explore it, that I be permitted to look elsewhere?

Which connects to the seemingly perpetually unanswered question of “are we an open relationship?”. We both need to decide whether we can do that, and what it would mean for us, and what the boundaries are.

Suddenly, I feel the need for a lot of rapidly negotiated legislation regarding our relationship.

Ultimatum

There’s no other way of putting this. For his own wellbeing he needs to know whether we are going to continue being in a relationship together.

He has given me TWO WEEKS to decide!

Sometimes, I am amazed when I don’t go into meltdown. I guess I was calm and it had been in my mind ever since I moved it that I needed to make a decision.

I guess I know what Tuesday counselling is going to be about!

The eunuchorn invasion

He did feel a little shocked at the way the first was presented: the pink sofa and the explosion of eunuchorns. It made him more aware that he doesn’t know the this person.

I am trying to get to know this person too – perhaps that’s what he means by “keeping secrets” as much as the talking to people online.

A concern that he has is that I seem to be disowning the old me. There is some truth to that: I need to integrate that old person – I believe that is those parts of myself that I disown and deny have the greatest power to harm and destroy me.

It was partly from that he’d to start integrating that part of myself that I talked about bookcases and my need to collect and read books. This problem with books is ugly bookcases and the dust that gathers. Hmm. I asked if he’d create a nice and large bookcase for me – I shall promise to care for the books and dust them.

I told him that as a kid, I used to collect books. I loved old books for their view onto the past as historical documents in their own right. I loved them for their look. I loved them for their introduction to new worlds and new ways of thinking about life. I love them because they are part of me that I disavowed because I thought that my husband hates books.

We danced around the explosion of pink in my flat. Integrating that is going to be difficult!

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An evening at the house

The endocrinology letter

A major step! The letter is now sat in the GP’s secretary’s backlog. Soon hehe next week, it’ll move from there to the doctor’s backlog … then finally I’ll be able to start the next step in this great experiment that’s life!

Walking the dog

One of the lovely things about staying at the house is taking the dog for her evening walk. Sometimes I practice Spanish for a while when walking her, it I might write a bit of a blog post, but mostly I just talk to the dog.

Snuggles

We watched this very long and boring film with Liam Neeson and Viola Davis. We love both of them actors, but a good actor can’t rescue a full movie. What was lovely was me snuggling the husband, and the dog snuggling me. One happy little family.

Actually, when we went to bed, the husband fell asleep on me. Sigh. That was so so special.

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A morning in the garden

I talked to my husband about the various online beatings I’ve taken, with the latest being what I wrote about in We do have some trans allies.

He didn’t have any views on whether I should write to a NHS gender identity clinic or to our MP.

His view is that eunuchs are quite niche. Interesting. Why does that matter? I find myself wondering now. I think I need to understand this position more.

Stigma

I told him about the latest book I’m reading – “Stigma” by Imogen Taylor. I told him about the section in reading now on “Penal Tattoos”, which has included Roman and Greek slavery, which has been very educational (and, I’m a little embarrassed to say, erotic – kink is always an active part of me), the slavery of the new world, the stigma applied by government in their imposition of the austerity policy, which stigmatised and persecuted the very poorest in society. Stigma is a tool of government.

The conversation wandered, and he asked me whether I felt safe at my parents’ house. I thought for a moment, then I realised that I felt unsafe at my parents house when I started questioning my sexuality. This memory was a bit of a shock for me, it also gave me some insight into his my husband feels about his position in the home at the moment: if I decide against him and or relationship, then we sell the house, and he loses everything in one go. I have an income and could start again.

I’m not entirely certain when in the conversation he made this next remark, I think that it was on the way into town on Sunday afternoon to watch a film: he commented that I could afford a fiat. I said that with some jiggery-pokery we might be able to afford two. He says that he thought so too. I’m curious to explore this further with him.

Moderator

The owner of my online happy place has asked me to help moderate it. I am very honoured by that trust. He’s going to explain more later.

Romulus

To finish our weekend together, we watched “Alien Romulus” at the pictures. I loved the film, although I’m not certain how I felt about resurrecting Ian Holm. I thought it was tense. The husband fell asleep! After one particularly loud scene, which woke him up, I turned turned to him and said “in space, no one can hear you snore”.

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That’s a lot of talking for one weekend – we have to do LOADS more in the next fortnight.