Counselling

Tonight’s counselling went all over the place. After a really quick rundown of the week, I started talking about my blog for a while – the book review type things I write, the issues I encounter with my posts on trans communities, my diary type blog entries.

We talked about some of the online beatings I’ve taken, the virtual beating because of my latest post to the trans community where I ran into support in the face of animosity.

We talked about how I was trying to identify how I loved my husband. What made my love for him special and unique.

My counsellor got me drawing again!

I drew a big yellow circle and labeled that one “friends”.

Then I draw a smaller circle in a slightly stronger colour and labeled that one “family”. The “family” circle overlapped the “friends” circle, because some family members are also friends – my brother is my friend.

I then drew a much smaller circle in the darkest colour yet. I put my husband’s name in this circle. The circle overlapped friends and family, because the way I feel for my husband has elements of both those groups.

There is an area of my husband’s circle that is only for him. The counsellor asked my sex was: it is in my husband’s private part of his circle.

I then diverted to talking about part of my blog; I’ve been looking at previous BDSM test results the results have changed over time.

At the moment, rope bunny is at the top still, generally the more fun kinks are at the top and the darker ones are bottom.

I thought that was because my testosterone was low therefore my kink libido was low. My counsellor thought that it could be because I’m in a safer place, and therefore the more dangerous kinks aren’t as strong.

I’ve been relating this back to the sex portion of my husband’s circle.bi have information for a few years ago. Then several months before the period before I came out as non-binary and with these dark fantasies, to that period between coming out and my operation, and then the period after my operation.

My husband feels that we should not have sex until I have been on testosterone for a while because the presence of that hormone alters how I feel about sex.

The exercise helps me to understand better how I feel about my husband.

We talked a little bit about my dad, and his relationship to my mum. My marriage kind of followed that pattern. We had to be monogamous.

At the start of our relationship I could not imagine how an open relationship would work. None of the gay friends I had were in open relationships. I am damned sure that none of my straight friends and none of my family have ever been an open relationship. I thought that monogamy was the only way for a relationship to work.

I’m looking at my venn diagram now, the word “husband” could read “partners”. Sex could span partners and friends. I don’t know if for me they ever will, but they could.

I also talked about some of the ways in which my husband had suggested that I had a neuro divergence. One of the things that he’s frequently commented on is that I cannot feel empathy about a feeling someone else has unless I have felt it for myself. I observed that it was the same with my dad: he only appreciated that depression was a thing when he felt it for himself.

And suddenly we were quarter an hour over! My therapy sessions zip by!

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Trans night

I missed the last transmite because my husband was in crisis and I couldn’t handle extending an already long day.

It was nice to see the ladies again. It was a big group with a number that I didn’t recognise. Fortunately, the three women that I feel most comfortable were there.

We talked about hormones and hit flushes. One lady lent me her fan, which helped quite a bit. I think I’ll get one of my own – I noticed that my legs stopped juddering while I was fanning myself.

There was a warning about taking multivitamins before a blood test, as it seems that biotin can make the liver appear less healthy than is actually the case. They’re going to send me the info.

I ran out of the menopause tablets last week, so I’m probably safer for tomorrow … ooh! I mustn’t take the vitamin b tablet that I usually take if a morning tomorrow because I have the baseline blood test at the doctor’s.

We also take about the flat and that, if my husband and I decide to continue to live together, I need my own space. My Eunuchorn collection has to have somewhere to live!