Country pub conversation

Yesterday, we drove into the New Forest to have some food and a chat. On the way we talked a little about Respect and my misunderstanding of the word, and some of the things that came up in counselling on Tuesday.

Things seemed to be going relatively easy initially, however this began to get a little more complicated as the evening wore on.

Accompanying me to the hospital

A little while ago, I had asked my husband to come to my endocrinology appointment with me. If said that he could help me to remember to ask the right things and try to make sure that they give me the treatment I need.

He felt that I’d made a practical request, which upset him because he wanted it to be an emotional request rather than a practical request.

I really could not understand this professionband I couldn’t get him to get me to understand.

I thought that he wanted to be useful and needed, so that’s why I put it the way I did. Once again, I miscalculated this response.

We talked a little about my fears around obtaining testosterone – namely that it might reintroduce sexual desire – and kink – which is where things started to really go wrong for us. At the moment, my libido is flat lined and kink is a pretty lightweight drive.

However, without testosterone and understanding what age how strong my kinks are we cannot talk about sex in our relationship.

Negotiations not getting anywhere

I started to say that if been trying to think of ways we could work on compromises within our communication. He feels that he’s compromised enough and that I had repeatedly crossed his boundaries.

I asked whether it would be ok if I sometimes asked for breaks while we’re talking to try to work around and prevent my shutdowns. He seemed angry that I should ask thatb he asked “what if I’m in the middle of something?”

“We’ll just have to see what happens.” I think I said.

I’m concerned that he doesn’t get that I can’t easily control it – when I’m emotionally overwhelmed it just happens. It has always happens and he believes that it is entirely behavioural and within my choice.

I believe that, with it without a formal diagnosis, that i can manage and work around my behavioural symptoms by accepting them and designing strategies appropriately. If he won’t cooperate and help, then what should I do?

Selfish?

I am not certain what grit me this comment from him, but he said:

“you just want to do what you want when you want without any consideration for anybody else”

Is that true?

I have found that I am more peaceful and stable when I stick to a routine. I can deviate from routines with some notice. If I deviate without notice, then I’m likely to pay for it in terms of charges to mood.

Am I selfish for wanting to keep my emotions from getting out of control?

Part of my routine is doing the things I like – reading, music, Spanish, blog, and some exercise. If say that my blog is my particular special interest, and it’s the most important thing that keeps me level. However, they all have their place.

Sex

He was, at least in part, referring to aspects of my sexual identity. Today I feel hesitant about mentioning anything about this, apart from I know what I like and what I need.

This remains a big area of concern for us both.

“You aren’t autistic”

He seems angry that I am putting so much store on being on the autistic spectrum. Knowledge of how my brain works will give me better tools for managing it – so far, nothing has worked, and ASD makes sense.

In the past, these are the kinds of things he’s said about me:

• He objects to special interests or hyper focus; I read in small bursts on the toilet. I set an alarm so I don’t practice piano to much. I used to collect books, but I’m only allowed so many.
• Even when I disappear for the small bursts of reading, he complains “here he goes again” he’ll say.
• He has constantly criticised my way of listening.
• He complains that conversations are all one sided.
• He complains if the “check list” he needs to complete before speaking to me to make sure that I can concentrate (I’m not hungry, thirsty, tired, stressed, and others)
• He says that I’m driven by routines, going to the gym at a fixed time, taking lunch at a fixed time, having tea at a fixed time, a fixed time for the dog walk, we always have sex on the weekend never in the week, I always go for a run on a Sunday
• He hates that I need to go to bed at a fixed time and have a specific wind down routineCommenting on my occasional strange use of language “who uses words like that?”
• He has the TV on way to loud for me, but he can’t hear it it is at a level that’s comfortable for me
• “You’ve always had a problem with life”

These are observations he’s made on my behaviour over the years.

There’s a whole inner world that he knows nothing about – that I must share with him, if I am to really get this understanding.

Avoided shutdown

My brain felt like glue at times, but I just about avoided shutdown.

However, my memory of the conversation isn’t what it could have been if I’d managed to keep things within my emotional tolerances.

This leaves me wondering whether all this talking is wasting our time.

What do you do when you still love each other?

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