A drive to the beach

After yesterday’s enormously enjoyable but somewhat exhausting day, I was woken after an long and largely undisturbed sleep by a message from my husband. He asked whether I had any plans, and if not whether it’s like to go to the beach. Of course the answer was “yes”!

I dropped by Sainsbury’s to get a few extra bits and pieces, picked him up, at the headed off. The traffic in the forest was quite heavy, so the trip took sixty rather than forty hours, but we talked in the way.

I was kind of prepared since we seem to do much of our talking on Sundays – and patterns and routines work for me.

I started by referring back to the date night and the things he’d brought up there.

We talked for a while and he described me as breaking a boundary. I didn’t understand what boundary I’d broken. He had a think, and then said that he was talking about respect.

I asked him if we could do there and pin “respect”, as I need to capture that and reflect on what he was saying.

How has I disrespected him? I realised that I needed to think about what respect meant to me, and then consider what it means to everybody else – especially himself!

I have a problem

And that’s where I realised that I had a problem. My ideas of respect are things like “fear” and “power”. I don’t think that’s what my husband meant.

As Granny Weatherwax would say “if you ain’t got respect, then you ain’t got anything.” Certainly everybody feared Granny Weatherwax (a Discworld character).

Definition

Respect, also called esteem, is a positive feeling or deferential action shown towards someone or something considered important or held in high esteem or regard. It conveys a sense of admiration for good or valuable qualities. It is also the process of honoring someone by exhibiting care, concern, or consideration for their needs or feelings

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Respect

Positive regard

So, it’s a positive feeling or deferential action towards somebody considered important. He has legitimate feelings here because I have often had feelings that were very far from positive towards him. I’ve harboured resentment for his actions and words. Even worse, I’ve denied and disowned my own feelings because resentment is a “bad feeling”

I’m not sure how deferential action applies, but I guess I needn’t try to take it to literally.

Admiration?

He has often said that he’s not felt valued, so that would also be encompassed in that definition: a sense of admiration for good or valuable qualities.

I forget that he can’t read my mind, even though I think that he’s actually really good at guessing what’s going on inside it sometimes. I assume that he knows that I think that he’s a wonderfully clever, talented, versatile human. Sometimes I think I’ve said it, but the words “thank you” haven’t actually been said. Sometimes, to be certain, I’ll say “thank you” several times and make sure he’s heard it.

He has never developed an inner cheerleader voice, so relies a lot on external encouragement. I think we all do to some extent, but I had a mum who did give me love and encouragement, also I think I am a very self-contained person … but I also need some external validation from time to time, and be very needy of it sometimes. He has no different, but I am the only one who can give it to him.

Consideration

exhibiting care, concern, or consideration for their needs or feelings

This I find difficult to accept because I have been out of my mind with worry for him far too often. I try to look after his feelings and needs, but I have been absolutely hopeless!

When I try to anticipate his feelings on a subject I get them terribly wrong, it’s not at all encouraging.

However, I think I am starting to see how I can better meet his needs through other aspects of the word “respect” not present in the dictionary definition: honouring his boundaries and treating him with honesty – and if I can’t anticipate his feelings, then I can say last try to deliver my authentic feelings on things with kindness.

Boundaries are a worry because I realise that I seem to struggle with them. What is included in the personal boundary, what is not? For example, if somebody said “don’t talk to me”, would text or email be acceptable? What if there’s an emergency? His do we define “emergency”? And so on.

We definitely have a discussion coming up with his we balance our different needs.

Kink

We talked a little about kink, which was fun. He even said that sometimes he gets turned on by the idea of watching somebody fuck me – that’s the second time he mentioned it.

We talked a bit about puppy play and edging. I can’t edge at the moment – if I mess around like that, then my cock will lose interest and go all floppy. I told him that the last couple of times I’ve wanked that I’ve given myself friction burns because it took so long!

We’ve even agreed to look into visiting the gay fetish club in Birmingham.

Blog advice

On the way back to Southampton, I talked to my husband about my blog and that I talk to various people about it. He’s concerned that Pele in my situation should be encouraged to seek therapy. I like to think that I encourage that, as well as sharing what I’ve learnt and the kings of reflections and meditations that I did before deciding on my surgery.

He is also concerned that somebody could report me as encouraging castration. I have never encouraged it – it is a most serious undertaking and for many that take this route, it will be the biggest commitment they ever make.

He said that it would be my word against theirs.

Thinking about it, if such a complaint was made, the police would be able to gain access to my various social media (whether I wanted them to or not), there they would confirm that I have never encouraged it.

However, my husband’s concerns are heard and I will try to be cautious.

Dog sitting

I mentioned that I was thinking of visiting my brother next Sunday. My husband said that he was thinking of going away that weekend and therefore I’d need to look after the dog. Initially I just went skiing with it, then I realised that it felt that irrational rage that I feel when somebody buggers with my routine: ok, I could do something different. I owned the feeling, then I said to my husband that I didn’t want him to react or change anything, but my first feeling when he said about going away was anger. I think it irritated him as he says “she’s your dog too”, but he did appreciate that I opened up about my strange brain.

And then it goes south

As we pulled up to the house, the husband said that he felt a [he thumped his heart] and said “when I realised that you were just going to do me if and head back to your flat”. I said “would you like me to come in for a drink?”, so I did.

I made a drink and sat in the garden fussing the dog. I felt uncomfortable. I tried to explain it to my husband when he joined me. I couldn’t quite express it. Maybe I was tired and not at my best.

We talked about the house having a ghost of all the trauma.

I said to my husband that I love the flat because it’s so peaceful. He understood. I think he’d expected to feel that when he was alone in the house; he’s asked me to move it because he’s thought that he’d not be able to rent because he doesn’t work, but I think the biggest reason was that he thought that he would feel safer in the house than in a crummy flat.

I was definitely tired because I answered something he said in a way that he thought sounded angry (I have no idea, but he’s probably not wrong); he said “I think it’s time you left”. I was shocked and confused.

We hugged at the door and I returned to the safety of my flat, wondering what happened.