Last night I met my husband for dinner for a date. I’d suggested that we have “dates” and do fun things together, as well as the more difficult talking. “Dates” could be a Chinese takeaway, a movie, and a cuddle on the sofa, or they could be trips out, or anything really that enabled us to remember that together could be fun. “Talking” would also be out of the house, so that the home should again become a safe place.
I’d suggested that we go to Nepali restaurant, not far from the flat. We’ve been to Nepal twice and loved the place. We discovered momos while we were there: exquisite dumplings common in Nepal and Tibet. I learnt to make them myself, but the best ones are the ones made by villagers high in the mountains. The ones from restaurants aren’t nearly as good as the mountain village ones or mine or a food van in Southampton on a Saturday; the ones in this restaurant are pretty standard for the UK (the wrappers are always too thick). The food was good though; we had a mix of Indian and Nepali. I was disappointed in that I had in my mind that I wanted Dal Bhat. Never mind.
We were both anxious. He was more anxious than me.
We talked about easier things to begin with, then he said that there were things that he needed to raise with me. I felt my anxiety rise, but not intolerably so – seeing him less frequently makes it easier for me to be at least partly prepared for uncomfortable conversations. He has counselling today so, if anything was brought up, he has an opportunity to talk it through with his therapist and won’t be carrying any feelings that might come up in conversation for ages.
These are the questions he asked:
- He feels that I’m keeping secrets and not sharing anything with him.
- I have never been good at coming back to him with things he’s spoken about.
- Talking about kink with other people when he thinks I should be talking to him.
He feels that I’m keeping secrets and not sharing anything with him
Am I making excuses when I say to myself that my life is moving faster than his ability to keep up with it – especially since I am concerned about him having meltdowns? Except that its not really – he knows pretty much everything now. I do want to explain to him in more detail why I (and others, for example my counsellor) believe that I am ASD. I think that’s the only thing that’s outstanding really – the detail of it.
He did used to get crabby when I read out blog posts to him that I fancied talking about in more detail; I am not sure why – I suppose that’s something to discuss with him.
Maybe he feels that the blog itself is one big secret? I did ask him not to look at it until I’d talked to him about what happened while I was in Mexico and the weeks following – he knows everything about those times now, so there’s no reason why this should remain a secret from him any longer.
I have never been good at coming back to him with things he’s spoken about
This is fair – he would say something and ask me to think about it, and the moment the conversation was over, it was driven out by something more interesting.
I got in the habit of writing quick notes when he was ill and talking; I mightn’t be able to respond there and then (communication in such episodes is fraught with danger), but often what he said in a PTSD or bipolar episode would have the kernel of something unresolved that he needed to talk to me about.
Last year, when I started having counselling to look at my gender issues, I kept notes of the counselling sessions, of thoughts and insights I had in between sessions, and issues that were raised by my husband. I would often use those as the basis for conversations that he and I had, or I might take them to counselling.
After keeping the blog, I stopped keeping the notes because everything was in the blog anyway.
He still feels that way, so I obviously have more work to do here!
Talking about kink with other people when he thinks I should be talking to him
This is a difficult one. My husband and I have never talked about sex much – it was one of those uncomfortable conversations that I tried to avoid: such talks always made me feel inadequate, or that I was doing it wrong in some way. I heard his comments as criticisms and I avoid situations where I feel criticised – or anything that would make me feel bad. I’m afraid that I rather deflected and pushed back on anything sex-wise he needed to discuss: I made him the problem.
So, for most of our relationship, I have avoided discussing sex. When I have talked about it, it was rather one way: I could speak my mind, but not hear his response, let alone have an adult discussion. Or he would talk and I would cringe and collapse into myself. Anxiety always crippled my communications – not least the fear of being talked out of whatever I was thinking or feeling. That should never have been his problem.
Then there was the awful way I came out about my Dark Fantasies and the need for castration. That conversation and those after it didn’t fill me with confidence about sex/kink talks.
However, I think the damage was as much what and how I said it as much the fact that I had been “talking with men” about my darkest desires and my gender issues long before I fell apart and talked to him about them. He still carries that sense of betrayal.
I don’t talk much these days. Having one’s testicles removed and not having an external source of testosterone will do that you you. Sometimes I will have a chat with somebody about what they’re into, much in the same tone as talking about favourite films or music. Less about sex. more about making friends.
Kink and the Dark Fantasises are a topic I have only just started to broach with my counsellor – my fear is that hormones will rehydrate them. Or, possibly, they will grow if I return to the house and my relationship with my husband, without them having an outlet.
I am concerned out this.
I went to sleep quickly enough after reading until I was tired, but I woke up a few times in the night with a head busy with thoughts again.
Eunuchorn 
Leave a comment