Chaotic yesterday

Yesterday really was chaos and my brain didn’t help much. The morning was largely interruption free, but me ability to concentrate really wasn’t working. I went for a run lunchtime, which actually did help – the afternoon was much more productive and I nearly got all my work done – I was in flow-state!

Until, at half-three, I was dragged into a meeting. I am afraid I “used language that would make a sailor blush”. It took me a while to switch my brain over from one context to the problem that was called to solve. I have often thought that this context-shifting problem was a uniquely developer related issue – however, having learnt a little about autism, I recognise that its not a unique phenomenon. I really do wonder how software developers would score an autism test?

To make the night worse, my husband was trying to fix a leak in the house’s heating system; he’d turned off all the water and needed me to feed and walk the dog. I stopped on the way over and bought some bottled water and some food for him, then I fed and walked the dog. It was good to be useful to him. He definitely appreciated the water for his morning coffee!

I finished off the software bug that I’d been called to fix (I’ll not play the martyr: it was a bug I had created). Then I was called by a fellow I’d met on Discord who wanted to talk about things such as recovery from castration and so forth. Sometimes I worry that people wander into this strange world of eunuchs and wannabes and aren’t prepared. I was relieved to find that this chap is mediating deeply on the whys for pursuing it, and the difficulties he might encounter. I have every confidence that he will be very happy and satisfied when he has his surgery.

Crucially, this will be first person with whom I may be able to build a decent amount of knowledge for a European option to informed consent surgery.

That only leaves getting the bloody NSH to get its act together regarding our hormones!

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Counselling

I don’t remember what had husband asked me to think about on Sunday. That really irritates me that my bloody brain just didn’t capture it – now he’ll think I don’t care, when I do!

Another amazing counselling session. He’s weighed with other autistic/neuro-divergent people before, which is why he felt so confident that I was. That’s somehow reassuring to know.

We covered loads of ground today. I am learning to accept my communication style: it’s strengths and it’s limitations. I really do not process verbal communication – particularly emotionally loaded communication – very quickly or effectively. I do seem to handle written communication much better as the pace is slower and I can give so much more consideration to what is said.

However, there are a few things that I can bring to verbal communication to help me deal with it now effectively:

• I can ask my husband to stop while I process things
• I can ask husband not to fill up all the empty spaces when communication

We discussed my migraines; my guage asked that I remember that mum had them and it was quite likely that I inherited them from her, however they could be both inherited from mum and part of a neuro-divergence. The combined explanation fits best for me.

We talked about how my husband is afraid that in exploring neuro-divergence, that I’m not taking responsibility for my past actions. Far from it, I have hurt him very deeply and only by understanding the mechanisms that created the situations and actions that caused his emotional injuries can I change his I handle things in the future. I cannot change the past; I can only change the future.

Learning how my brain works so that I can avoid grinding my gears and make better choices.

I also have to accept and acknowledge how my brain reacts when it’s abruptly sucked out of flow; that the disproportionate rage that I feel will pass given a short period of time. Acknowledging it will give me a chance to let it go, rather than have it control my mood and subsequent actions.

Similarly, the internally felt and disproportionate rage when asked to do something needs to be acknowledged, given it’s space, and then I can move on from it.

Acknowledging these strong emotions and giving them some space in my mind, should allow me to move on more comfortably.

Finally, the conversation turned to kink and the dark fantasies. We explored a theory that the more extreme fantasies were tied to the excess of responsibility and pressure in the relationship. My counsellor wondered whether they would never be as strong while I was living in my own space and not responsible for anybody else, even when testosterone comes back into the equation. My counsellor expressed some sadness or disappointment that I wasn’t in a space where I could explore kink.

I went back to the open relationship discussion that my husband and I had had and how upsetting this was for him. It’s a discussion that we need to have and settle at some point.

There is a real problem in knowing how to detect when it’s ok to talk to husband so that he won’t have his own meltdowns, which can be devastating. Perhaps I can say “this idea isn’t fully formed, I just need to see how it feels to say it and talk about it as an idea; I may but even feel this way when it’s in the open.”

It was a good session; I felt close to tears at times, and we laughed!