I slept for nine hours before my husband’s first alarm went off this morning. I turned that one off and went back to sleep. An hour later this next one went off (the first was a reminder for him to take his morning pills, the second was for him to take his weekend anti-rheumatism jab). At that point, I got up. In all I got about ten hours sleep: I guess I needed the rest!

I spent the a few hours in the garden with the dog; she’s being very affectionate and was often napping on my lap. It was beautiful and very calming.

I went to the flat for a couple of hours, where I phoned my dad. Which was actually a nice conversation for most of it; today I was more tolerant of his tendency to repeat himself and tell me the same stories. I did tell him where the husband and I are sat in our relationship – trust we might not make it. I said that we still loved each other and that’s the difficulty. I said that if anything happened to me that I would still want him to benefit. Dad said that he’s respect my wishes and wouldn’t contest the will (I’m not in danger of dying, but it gives me some reassurance that the husband wouldn’t have any problems if something did happen to me).

I did a little piano practice, before heading back to the house for lunch and doggy time.

I spent the rest of the afternoon with the husband. It was more relaxed than previously, even though we are starting to have very painful conversations: having a level of preparation for these tablets talks, I manage to start more present. I still have the music in my mind (the tune d’jour was the theme from “Game of Thrones” on a loop; it came out in my finger drumming from time to time was well), and if course I was distracted by film and book quotes in reaction to things that he said; only a couple of them escaped my lips!

Neither of us knows where we’re at – or even what we are! That is placing him under say much stress. I don’t know whether I can live with him again – I love my peace and routine too much. But I also love him. Maybe we just have to accept that we cannot be a couple any more – we’re both fighting it, and maybe it’s inevitably. Maybe this is the kindest and most loving thing that I can do for him.

I think I might go to the beach this evening. I need the peace that the sea can bring me and I have had so little of it this year …