I was reflecting on something I’d said to my counsellor that I could only identify “primary colour” emotions; I don’t think that’s quite right, I mean “tertiary colour” emotions might be difficult to read, but I wonder if that’s the case for everybody? I think it’s mixtures of emotion that are hard to grasp, or maybe where the words are one emotion but the body language/facial expression appear to convey something else – in these situations I cannot accurately determine which I should be reacting to. Or maybe where there are multiple possible meanings to the words used, again I struggle to work out what is being said – it’s even worse where the words have more than one possible meaning. I get lost trying to process and guess which I should be reacting/responding to. Asking for clarification often makes the other person get pissed off – that’s easy emotion to spot (although confusing when they deny that they are annoyed).
I can struggle with sarcasm. I feel pain, but I don’t always understand the meaning. Sometimes I asked for an explanation, which the other person gets irritated by. I think they feel challenged when I ask for an explantion.
With my own emotions it can be difficult to identify even “primary colours”. Or I can identify the emotion but not the intensity (making the avoidance of shutdown/meltdown difficult). Sometimes I am just dumbfounded by my own feelings. Complex emotions can really confuse me, whether they are my own or somebody else’s.
I suppose I should explain what I mean by primary/secondary/tertiary colour emotions!
Primary Emotions
These are the basic, foundational emotions that all other emotions stem from, similar to primary colours (red, blue, yellow) in colour theory. Examples might include:
- Joy: Bright and warm, like yellow.
- Sadness: Deep and cool, like blue.
- Anger: Intense and hot, like red.
Secondary Emotions
These emotions are combinations of the primary emotions, much like secondary colours (green, orange, purple) are created by mixing primary colours. Examples might include:
- Love: A mix of joy and trust, potentially visualized as a warm, comforting colour like orange.
- Fear: A combination of surprise and sadness, which might be represented by a darker, cooler colour like purple.
- Surprise: An emotion that can mix elements of joy and fear, perhaps represented by a bright, startling colour like green.
Tertiary Emotions
These emotions are more complex and nuanced, formed by blending primary and secondary emotions, similar to how tertiary colours are created by mixing primary and secondary colours. Examples might include:
- Optimism: A blend of joy and anticipation, visualized as a vibrant, energizing color.
- Disappointment: A combination of sadness and surprise, represented by a muted, subdued color.
- Remorse: An emotion mixing sadness, fear, and a bit of surprise, visualized as a dark, reflective colour.
So using these examples (thanks ChatGPT), I can visualise why secondary and tertiary feelings might be harder for me to understand, identify, and express. I think I do mistake some secondary and tertiary feelings for one of their primary constituents.
It is so easy to get lost in my own brain while I try to understand what’s been said and how I want to respond. I need time to think. But not too much time, because I may never respond (under emotional stress I will shutdown). There can be so many possible meanings behind what’s said, I may have an emotional reaction that relates to each possible meaning, there may be multiple emotional reactions – which one is the real one? Which is the appropriate one?
However, if I don’t think about what is appropriate, then I’m likely to say the wrong thing, sometimes with hilarity, other times with devastating results. Today in a meeting there was an exchange a little like this one:
Team member: will you be watching the football tonight?
Me: no, I’m not into football. If it were rugby, I might, that’s a bit like soft porn.
Much laughter ensued. That’s fine for banter with friends, but not really appropriate for office talk.
With my husband the first thing that pops into my head might not be the nicest or most useful. If I’m in a mood, he might get poke with a sharp verbal stick, or I might say something like “maybe we should have an open relationship?”. An open relationship might be a perfectly fine thing for us to move towards, but I gave no thought how to approach the subject – it just came out in a conversation.
Sarcasm is particularly difficult, since it seems to be used to express a multitude of feelings, for example it might be expressing anger, but it might instead of also be expressing contempt, defensiveness, or even playfulness.
Annoyingly, I might occasionally use sarcasm myself, yet I really won’t have any idea what feelings I’m trying to express without a lot of thought.
I wonder if that’s actually the same for everybody? Since people get really irked if they’re questioned about what they were trying to communicate in that soul-flaying bit of language … or do they just get pissy because they’ve been caught out being cruel?
Right now, I am still trying to understand myself and the communication challenges that I never acknowledged and am only now coming to terms with.
Eunuchorn 
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