Morning

I slept through two out of my three alarms this morning, meaning that I woke up at seven rather than six. I eventually crawled out of bed ten minutes later, brushed my teeth, jumped into the shower, and threw some clothes on: shorts and a T shirt. Dashed to the car in the rain – not dressed for the weather (but I rarely am), and drover over to my husband.

He was “OK”, by which I mean he was still alive. He took his meds without any difficulty and I made him a coffee. I told him I’d be back lunchtime as I needed to bring the dog home.

I then dashed back home, made a coffee, and was ready to start work. The stress of dashing around is taking its toll: today my head is vibrating, as are my legs. I’ve already had five meetings, and have another two in my diary. I am working on some document conversion from our format to some wanky format the customer wants – it is soooo difficult to concentrate!

I do need to take some migraine pills ASAP!

The worst meeting was over lunchtime, which meant that my concentration was at its lowest while I tried to follow the conversation with nine different people. I struggled to get in, and I spoke over people, but I am not sure that anybody noticed in the verbal bun-fight. Well, that’s how it seemed to me!

The meeting went on for an hour-twenty; I was starving and vibrating – no idea why I was vibrating: my legs were juddering like crazy!

---

Idiot van driver

I have never used the car’s horn in anger before; but today, while I was bringing the dog home from Kennels, this grey van in the traffic queue to my left (remember I’m in the UK) pulled out in front of me without indicating. I had barely enough time to break. I was fucking terrified – and the poor dog was terrified. All this van driver wanted was to jump the fucking traffic queue.

I am now sweating with full on hot flushes, and I am feeling very flustered.

I don’t think I am coping very well at the moment – dashing over to the house to check on my husband in his bipolar/PTSD depression is taking it out of me.

I guess that was a meltdown of sorts.

---

Mental health discharge

The fellow I saw a few weeks ago wrote to me with a summary of the meeting. It wasn’t too far off what I remember having said, but the outcome is a recommendation to contact a relationship guidance service. He referred to my anxiety and inability to cope with my husband, but that was as far as that went. Seems that my involvement with the mental health team is over for now.

I really need to get some help: I am feeling burnt out.

---

Rest

At the end of the work day … Will well before the end of the work day, I am exhausted. Emotionally and mentally drained.

How much of this is just normal human exhaustion with life’s challenges?

How much is potentially attributable to ASD?

How much is down to an almost zero level of testosterone?

Whatever the reason, I went for a lie down and listened to some hypnosis tracks for an hour.

Feeling slightly restored, I’m heading back to the house. The dog needs walking. The husband needs some tea. I’m going to stop by the chippie on the way.

I really hope that he’s going to be together enough to at least let the dog into the garden last thing at night, otherwise I’m going to have to head back there before bed myself just so that she can have a wee.

Why don’t I stay there?

It’s too stressful, and now I have a space where I can relax and be me without being hassled – and I need that time.