After my reading last night, I had a phone call with my husband. I am going over to the house on Saturday where we’ll try to have a relaxed evening, and maybe I’ll stay the night. On Sunday we’re going to go for a drive out, have a bite to eat for lunch and then do the Deep Talking. Afterwards we’ll each return to our respective safe spaces.

While I was on the phone to him I told him about the reading I was doing in “Untypical – how the world isn’t build for autistic people and what we should all do about it” and that there was a lot in the autistic symptoms that I could recognise in myself. He was sceptical, questioning whether I was looking for an excuse for previous “bad behaviour”. Nope. However, there are many behaviours that have hurt us both and I want to understand and manage them – that is part of the purpose of this separation. A diagnosis would give me something to work with and possibly open up access to support.

I have done an online consultation, which wasn’t easy to navigate: there is no way to indicate that I think that I may have a neuro-atypical condition. I am also anxious in case my concerns are dismissed as being part of the problems with my current mental health state, rather than my current mental state being in some measure caused by my concerns.

I have become aware that I tap and vibrate when I am happy – drumming with my fingers or hands, or foot tapping. When I am emotionally overwhelmed with difficult feelings I tend to freeze. Funny, how I am being made aware of things.

I do have to be careful not to self-diagnose. I caught myself saying “we” last night in my conversation with my husband – I should not start thinking that this is actually me until I have had some professional advice on the matter.

However, many of the symptoms of autism are shared by other neurological conditions, for example my husband has bipolar, PTSD, and anxiety – his legs frequently judder, sometimes he can stutter. There is plenty of scope for me to be wrong.