The first evening alone

The flat is so quiet. I put the radio on through my phone for some background noise whilst I read for a bit. I could feel anxious about something, I’m not certain what, but I think it was about sleeping.

I had a bath with salts, relaxing music, and candles – it’s as though I have forgotten how to relax. I enjoyed it, but rather than unwinding I found myself gaining anxiety.

I had a few gummies. I think they helped only a little.

I watched some classic Star Trek on my tablet, all the while feeling my anxiety about going to sleep rising.

Stupid brain.

The bed is sooo comfortable.

Yet I cannot get comfortable. My mind is fidgeting.

At least it’s not playing music at me tonight.

I wake up at 4am and try to journal how I’m feeling.

Anxious. What the fuck for?

For reasons I just don’t understand it do not feel safe.

And a weird sensation I am feeling: the position of the bed in the room makes my stupid brain think that my head is lower than my feet. Tomorrow, I am going to have to rearrange the room to calm my head down.

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The first morning

It wasn’t too hard to get up, despite the poor night’s sleep. I struggled to get into the coffee packages without scissors (I use ground coffee in a cafetiere – I can’t abide instant coffee!), and I had to make my breakfast porridge on the hob rather than in a microwave (I don’t have one in the flat, and since we already have one at the house, I am not buying another one).

I used the radio on my phone for the normal background noise. By tonight the Wi-Fi will be on and I shall be able to sort out the remaining bills as well as configure Alexa so that she can be my radio. I’ll leave her on while I’m out: I don’t like coming into a silent home. When I was a kid, we used to leave the radio on for the dog when we went out, so it was always on (except at night).

I checked in with my husband; he had nightmares last night. I would have gone to him if we were in the same house, even if he was sleeping in another room. We are both feeling anxious. I can only guess that mine is to do with him – I am always anxious when he is on his own. He’s anxious because he is already feeling emotionally fragile and is afraid of going to his Dark Place (either being PTSD triggered, or dropping into the bipolar downswing that is so very dangerous for him. Being a Type II bipolar, he gets none of the fun manic side, only the dizzying depths of despair. I had been with in hospital after self-harm or suicide attempts more times than I can remember. These are not calls for help. These are attempts to quit living. This is why I am anxious.

Its also why I am not going to do anything to really unwind and tackle my own sensations of anxiety until I am certain that he is safe and secure. I’ve had two chunks of time off this year and both ended with me feeling even more anxious. I plan to take a week off and just R-E-L-A-X.

There’s an AI assistant that goes with WordPress that generates feedback on posts; this is what it has commented on for this post:

AI Assistant

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The content indicates a personal struggle with anxiety and the need for a sense of safety. Here are some actions to consider for improvement:

1. Seek professional help or support to address anxiety-related concerns and coping mechanisms.

2. Consider creating a calming environment at home, such as rearranging the bedroom for better comfort.

3. Communicate openly with your partner about mutual feelings of anxiety and provide support to each other.

4. Plan for dedicated time off to relax and unwind, prioritizing personal well-being.

Its like it read actually the page.

This evening, it’s a spot of tea, followed by grocery shopping, then sorting out the various utility bills. Such fun.