Last night we talked again. My husband is starting to struggle as the reality of my moving out becomes more real. I’m finding it hard to hear what he’s saying, as I keep trying to explain what I hope you achieve when I’m out of the house – why do I feel the need to justify what was his decision? It made him angry when I said that my first job is to find answers for myself and learn where I’m at, then I’ll be able to put energy into our marriage again. He stabbed at me with the phrase “you never put into our relationship in the first place”.
He then questioned why I was going and said that we might as well sell the house. He thinks I am only softening him up for an eventual permanent separation. I hope that is not the case – the problem is that I cannot say with certainty that we can be together. If I do not understand myself better, then I can make assurances now that later turn out to be false. My giving him what I’m feeling at a particular point in time, or hand thought through ideas, seems to be what’s creating the greatest anxiety for him and fuelling or current difficulties.
He keeps saying that we’re actually single and not a couple any more; “that is the stark reality that I’m facing” he says. I feel that he pressured, me a couple of weeks ago, to say those “two little words” (it’s over), yet we are both still trying to keep together. Why can’t that say something to him about what we both really want?
We talked until after ten last night. I took a sleeper and a beta-blocker because I have to sleep – the anxiety is killing me and I haven’t the skills to manage my intense emotions – especially when I am already very tired.
I slept through my alarm and had to get ready for work in only twenty minutes before I was due at my desk. Fortunately, I’m working from home today because I have an appointment with the mental health team.
If not been at my desk very long when I realised that my guage was shaking. I held him and we say and talked some more.
He said that he didn’t think that he would be able to look after the dog – he’s sounding very much like he is entering another episode. I am very worried. His eyes dart all over the place and I tried to bring him back into the room. He is afraid that he’s going to make an attempt in his life. I do not know what to do. How can anything change when I cannot take the time it for my own recovery?
I had a meeting with somebody from the mental health team. Thirty minutes late starting, but since we overan by an hour, I’ll not complain. To start with I had to give the usual context brain dump. I wish he hadn’t had to type up what I was saying as it was distracting, but he listened very well.
What really came out of the meeting was just how big my relationship with my husband is and that, whilst I need to make progress with myself, even if I move out, I am always going to have to work on my relationship in some way.
At one point I referred to Erving Goffman’s “Stigma” that a friend had suggested I read in preparation for my operation; I ended up explaining his theories on stigma, including “discredited” and “discreditable” to this south Asian looking chap. I momentarily felt embarrassed!
He suggested that we should seek out couples therapy, which could either be too help us come together … or allow us to separate fully with as little pain as can be managed in an already very painful situation.
We talked for a couple of hours tonight. I told what the health worker said and that I cannot simply freeze the relationship and look only myself: I have to do the two things together somehow. Nevertheless I have to find the answers with myself before I can truly commit to the relationship.
My husband seemed to understand this time. You even understood how difficult it will be for me to find the answers that I need if I’m constantly nipping back to the house to check that he’s still alive and is okay. Yet, that is exactly what I have to do: even if we were not a couple I would still have to take care of him – you don’t just suddenly stop loving somebody. And I haven’t stopped loving him.
We still not sorted out boundaries, was at least I’ve been able to offer some reassurance that I want our relationship.
It was a much calmer and kind conversation tonight – things may eventually all work out okay.
Eunuchorn 
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