We talked again last night. He was quieter – seeming sad (which we both are). I was more receptive.
I led with saying that I am picking the keys up tonight and asking whether we should pick up from yesterday, or talk about boundaries. The conversation wandered, so I’ll summarise it in as coherent way as I can.
Regarding boundaries: we will check in with each other everyday – this is partly because it would be a good idea to retain some contact, but also because I am concerned about my husband’s mental health. “I’m not your responsibility” he said. I replied that I have spent so much time worrying about him and caring for him that I am not going to stop just because I am living somewhere else; if I don’t hear from him by tea-time, then I will come round and check on him. I will spend the night if I need to, either in the main bed, or if its not safe, in the car (at least I wouldn’t be recovering from surgery this time).
Normally, I will not come around and let myself in without prior arrangement. For the duration of the separation, this would be his home. It hasn’t felt like mine since I was asked to leave.
He doesn’t want to feel controlled in when we can talk. I am not sure what to say about that – I think this is one that needs more exploration.
he apologised for the way he expressed his fears for himself last night – I found this very moving because I had felt emotionally blackmailed and as though he was trying to manipulate me. He has always been very reflective and is always true to what he perceives to be the truth. I cannot say the same for myself – I am afraid that I have used his ability to own his side of things to disown mine.
The conversation then moved onto a review of yesterday. He said that I seemed angry and responded to his anger with anger of my own. At the time I wasn’t completely sure why I felt angry, I think it wasn’t for one single reason: I felt angry that I was being asked to move out, I felt angry that we were going over the same stuff and I don’t know how to respond when I’m told the same thing multiple times (he did point out that I’d said that it was OK for him to say the same thing time and again until it wasn’t a thing any more), and I have loads of things that I want to talk to him about me that I never have time to do. I wonder whether we mightn’t be in the state we are in if I was able to fit in talks about my own issues?
We talked about my checking in with him on how he was feeling. He swore that he didn’t feel contemptuous and hadn’t been sneering or trying to entrap me. I am not so sure, am I being gaslighted? He is a very self-aware person and I cannot believe that if he did feel something, that he wouldn’t own it. I wonder whether I was putting my own feelings towards myself into his voice and expression? I don’t feel very good about myself, so it is possible. I suppose that this is where a couple’s therapy would help.
At one point I said “You don’t understand what it is to suddenly find that you don’t know who you are; to discover that your brain has been keeping secrets from you” to my husband. This really irritated him: any suggestion that he doesn’t understand a feeling seems to him that I attack his very essence. That is because he believes himself to be (and is) a deeply empathic person, however it can seem to me that either he doesn’t employ that with me in all cases, or perhaps that his feelings from things just override his empathy. he is angry about things that I don’t think he would be (so) angry about if he were able to understand. Maybe he “understands” but doesn’t “believe”.
I said that I thought we needed a break; that our individual crazy was continuing to feed the other’s. We need to break the circle. I also said that I was looking forward to some time on my own – even when I was recovering from surgery in Mexico I wasn’t able to relax because I was trying to organise mental health support for him, and in the end I flew back early to look after him. I spent the best part of a week sleeping in the car with stitches that were less than a fortnight old, unable to wash or change my dressings as frequently as I should have done. Many times in the past I have slept somewhere other than my bed, sometimes using a hotel, but often choosing to stay close by (if uncomfortable) so I can keep an eye on him (and look after the dog).
The evening wasn’t as stressful as Monday night’s, so I only took a beta-blocker to help relax me before bed. Mistake: I was still anxious and couldn’t get my temperature right. And my brain kept making lists of things to do and playing music – Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, which you might think “that’s quite a gentle melody”: go and listen to the third movement!!!
In counselling today, I covered the last few days. He is really lovely in his compassion for me and full of useful suggestions and reflections. I said that I was concerned that I would end up spending all my time with him discussing the latest disaster in my marriage rather than looking at my own issues.
I talked about my request that I find a Dom that I can develop a trusting relationship with and explore these Dark Fantasies that I have, which my husband correctly identified as a second intimate relationship (he is the first). That I was even able to consider this shocked him, on reflection it surprises me – not because we have been monogamous and so on, but because its such a creative solution: I have repeatedly thought thoughts that were previously unthinkable! I also mentioned that I can form strong emotional attachments to other men (never sexual, although sometimes crush-like). These things left me wondering whether I might even have polyamorous qualities. Interesting. Also scary: what the hell might that mean for my marriage?! My counsellor said that sometimes things can come up in counselling that seem big and real, yet dissolve under scrutiny. I’ll not get too worried or excited about this yet.
We then did some “modelling” of my situation using props (a placemat, some shells, and some pebbles); this allowed me to place some elements of the current situation into various scenarios and move them around, all the while my therapist was asking “how does that feel?” or “what it you try this?”. It was simple, but enlightening: it seems that in order to make any progress on my marriage, I must prioritise myself. Simple really. Except that I thought I had always been good at looking after myself … seems that I have never understood what that meant either.
The separation from my husband is exactly what my recovery and work on myself need. I hope that my husband and I will work it out, but we’ll only be able to if I sort myself out first. However, sorting myself out might mean that I lose my relationship anyway. Of course, during our break, my husband might decide that our relationship is too stressful anyway.
And tonight I am going to pick up the keys to the flat…
Eunuchorn 
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