Yesterday was another morning that I found it very difficult to get up. I felt very teary when I was downstairs. My husband was angry about something, “not your fault,” he said “well, it is really”. I was already crying when I left the house; he saw and asked whether I was ok to drive, I said that I was. Seems that I wasn’t really: I nearly had two accidents before I even got to the end of my street. I did get to work safely, although late.
The mental health people phoned later that day, so I had to give them a potted history of what’s been happening and why I’m not able to cope – the marriage mess, new and strong emotions, and feeling exhausted from hot flushes and poor sleep. They want to see me next week.
Later in the evening, my husband asked me why I was so upset. I said – the distance between us is hurting me, I feel starved of affection, and I am just feeling fragile and unable to cope. He didn’t say much.
Then I asked me why he was angry. Well. Here I am feeling all vulnerable and needing reassurance and he’s angry because he is also feeling vulnerable and needing reassurance – and I haven’t been able to give it to him. Months ago, even before my operation, I suggested opening the relationship up so that I could explore my kinks; he he said that he might have been OK with that twenty years ago, but he’s sixty now (I am fifty) and opportunities for sex are far fewer. Initially he was “OK, lets discuss it”, but then he gets angry that we’re only discussing it because I want it (true – ish, more on that later), however we seem to spend our time talking about that we are only talking about it because I am OK to talk about it now or because I want it, rather than discussing what it means to open our relationship up and what the boundaries should be, or even whether we can/should open up.
The problem is that without any kind of sex hormone in my body in any meaningful quantity, I have zero drive to seek out sex. I enjoy it when it happens, but I am not driven to it – I don’t feel horny neither do I feel sexual frustration. What I do feel is starved of touching and affection. My kinks are pretty quiet at the moment; I know that I still want to do puppy play and that I would still enjoy restraints, but how demanding these will feel is unknown when hormones are back in the equation. I certainly don’t feel anything from my Dark Fantasies – I don’t know whether they are gone for good or whether testosterone will rehydrate them, and if they come back I certainly don’t know how strong they will be. Without these feelings I have very little interest in opening the relationship up sexually – the only reason to do so now is so that my husband can get his needs met.
I have a lot of fear over whether a sex hormone will reactivate my kinks, how strong they will be, and whether I will be able to accept that I cannot explore them with my husband. If I can accept that I cannot explore them with him, then I can commit to him. If I find that I cannot live without exploring them, then I cannot commit to him.
He has stated that he wants a monogamous relationship, hence this is a very important question.
He is also angry that he feels gagged because if he says something at the wrong time or the wrong way, I might go into meltdown. He has long felt controlled over what he can say and when, citing a check list of things he has to mark off before he feels that he can talk to me. “Is Jay hungry/tired/thirsty?” and so on. Now he is worried that if he says the wrong thing I’ll take an overdose. I understand his frustration. I am also afraid of my feelings overwhelming me. I’m glad that it didn’t stop him last night – and that I coped OK with what he said.
I’ll also own a thought that I had today “why isn’t he concerned that I can feel so bad that I want to end it all?”.
He said that this uncertainly is making him ill and that he wants me to move out.
I know that I am being cruel by holding out on him – by not simply saying “I want you one-hundred percent” or “I cannot give you what you need”. The truth is that I want to commit to him – I love him. I am afraid of what I might feel later on. I can be nothing but honest with him.
I find that I am also thinking that I have hurt him so much over the years, that even if he could accept me as is, or even if I could honestly say “I commit to you one-hundred percent”, he has such hurt and anger that I am afraid that would be my experience for the rest of our lives – him feeling angry, me receiving it endlessly. No healing for him, no joy for either of us.
There is a part of me that thinks “I had years dealing with your depression – I know I handled it badly, but you’ve had a few months with me and you’re giving me hell for it”. Not really fair of me, but I own that feeling.
I have to accept that I have done so much damage to him and our relationship over the long years, that the only remaining act of love I can do is to end it.
Those last words choke me.
Last night I took half a sleeper and a beta-blocker along with my normal antidepressants – I slept all the way through and am feeling much less unstable today. I also woke up with an enormous erection! Which I was glad about because I couldn’t be bothered with doing my usual anti-erectile-dysfunction exercises last night.
I went into the office today: I think we need space from one another.
And so the search for somewhere to live starts. Exciting? Depressing? I don’t really know. Depressing really – I am trying to find somewhere that isn’t too expensive, isn’t in the middle of nowhere or looks like a drugs den – somewhere I’ll be happy to spend the evenings, but can get out if I want to.
And so I went to view a place. A nice little one bed flat near the centre of town – and immediately available… another conversation with my husband beckons – I need him to confirm that this is indeed what he wants.
Eunuchorn 
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