I’ve just had my first session with my new counsellor; based on a suggestion that my husband made that I could explore my darkness through therapy rather than through finding a nice Dom and going stuff for real. I thought it was worth a go.

I feel like I am vibrating. It was so intense. I told much of my story (in no particular order), with my emotions zipping up and down the whole time.

He came across as a very warm human being. I decided to trust him – not that that is difficult right now: I’ll tell anybody anything! But I know that if I am going to get anywhere in therapy, then I need to be completely open and honest and willing to go anywhere, explore anything, and answer any questions that it brings up. Even without my wonderful crazy openness, I have a good feeling about this therapist.

He could see the deep sense of peace I had in Mexico when I had my operation, the pain and confusion I feel about choosing a future with my husband of twenty-six years or stepping into the unknown alone, the love for my husband, my fears about my inner darkness, and my need to be authentic. I think I got the current crazy in my head across!

I covered a little of my childhood, the affects of growing up in an alcoholic family and the internal conflicts and shame that sabotaged my coming out as gay; he validated the feelings that I carry about my childhood and was compassionate about the impact and long-term damage they had done and discouraged comparisons with others because that tends to invalidate feelings.

He recognised the work I have done so far on identity, gender, and my relationship. He completely accepted where I am at and that I know that I am a work in progress and that I am loving the exploration of who I am – he seemed excited to share in that journey.

We talked about some of the tools we might use to work things through: modelling relationships using symbols and diagrams, and using other creative ways to explore my emotions and make sense of them, and also find ways to manage my feelings without burying them. He was able to reassure me that even when I am on some level of testosterone, that I will know how my emotions are affected because I am aware of them now and will notice if they change – that was a good thought.

His view on this is that he is my partner on this part of my journey, and what feels good for me will feel good for him.

I am afraid that it might be too late to save my marriage, but I hope that it’s not and that I can give my husband the commitment that he deserves and needs. I intended to be able to give my husband the truest answer I can – even if that’s an answer that breaks both of our hearts. All my life I have chosen the safe route – to protect what I have, often at my husband’s expense, it is time to make a choice that might cost me something very dear to me.

I had a real sense of the joy he gets from counselling and the part he shares in the growth of his clients. I have had a number of counsellors over the years and I was suddenly aware of the depth of this fellow’s passion for his vocation and the rewards he gets from helping others develop- it exceeded what I have felt from anybody else … except …

as I write, I understand, and maybe for the first time, the deep sense of loss my husband feels for his old vocation.

People aren’t counsellors for the money (not if they’re any good they’re not!); they are called to it like priests to the cloth.