Yesterday, I met my husband after work in a coffee shop. We talked for a bit, then did the shopping, then went into a local bistro opposite the store for tea and talked some more.

It’s not good. I am completely torn. I know what I want. I know that I love my husband and that I value as much as life his love and the warm safety of being with him. I am afraid of my dark side, that it could get beyond my ability to control it. I am afraid that I am won’t really know myself unless I learn to embrace and integrate it.

The choice seems to be the love of my husband or knowledge of myself.

He is understandably angry and hurt. It is utterly wrong for me to keep him on hold, in limbo, while I work things out. He needs certainty for his own mental health. He deserves to be with somebody who can commit without hesitation.

I cannot give him that.

After twenty six years that’s a bitter pill to swallow for both of us.

I broke down in the restaurant. This is breaking me.

He has asked that I speak to the doctor about increasing my antidepressants.

He doesn’t understand why I sometimes want to take my own life. I don’t understand it. It’s like the feelings of worthlessness and shame suddenly become insurmountable and I cannot cope with them. I don’t seem to get any warning that’s happening.

Whilst last night and this morning I don’t have the same feelings as yesterday, I didn’t sleep well – hot flushes are always worse when I’m stressed. I am learning a lot about the role of hormones in body’s stress response.

Today I am tired.

I am also getting palpitations and feeling lightheaded and feel like I could pass out. There are a few possible causes, any one of the numerous supplements I’m taking could cause these side effects … or it could be a panic attack. 

---

When the doctor phoned, I explained the situation, including my (suspected) panic attack. I explained that my mood is persistently low, I stressed the suddenness of my mood drops, and explained the general home situation. She pointed out that I had only been on the increased dose of antidepressants for just over a fortnight and she wanted me to stay on them for another couple of weeks, if there was no change after a fortnight, then to speak about increasing the dose. She recommended that I make more use of the beta-blockers for anxiety (fair cop that one: I didn’t have them with me as I was in the office – I need to make sure that I always have my box of migraine and anxiety pills with me from now on). She has also referred me back to the community mental health team, since there is twenty-four hour support available via the crisis team’s shared care (I think that’s what she said – its rather hard to remember stuff during an anxiety episode).

I talked a bit about my emotions, how I enjoyed feeling more emotional, but that I had no skills for dealing with them. She said I was like a teenager with hormones flooding through them; I pointed out that I was practically the reverse: I don’t have hormones racing through me!

Interesting factoid: hot flushes are caused by the flight or flight part of the sympathetic nervous system, which is why they are worse when I am feeling anxious or stressed.