I had intended to cycle to work this morning. There’s an 06:30 alarm, which is the one I need to get up with in order to be able to get to work on time (it takes the same amount of time whether I drive or cycle), I ignored the 07:00 which is the one I need to get up to in order to get ready for working from home.

I eventually got it out of bed at 08:10 – which is ten minutes after I should have started work.

I cannot concentrate, people talk and it’s just noise. I want to cry. To get back into bed.

My head aches.

It’s like I’m mentally wading through treacle. I can’t think.

Working from home this morning means that I’m working in the bedroom. This isn’t good: it is deffo tempting just to get back into bed.

At half-eleven I went and got some flapjacks hoping for some energy and concentration. Then I found that I’d been lying in the garden for an hour – the time had just disappeared. I’m going to have some lunch and a proper coffee.

A troubling aspect of where my mind is going is the analysis of Friday’s overdose: the missing element was alcohol. If I’d been drinking at the same time, I would probably have passed out and not panicked. Objectively, this thought is worrying. I’m not feeling objective though, this thought sets me up for another attempt.

Then my mind thinks “your husband is no longer sleeping in the same room; you could drink and overdose and he wouldn’t know”. My head is fucked at the moment. I do not want to saddle my husband with finding my cold body one morning.

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My husband is “a bit worried” about me and thinks I should get a doctor’s appointment – he thinks it adds weight to the endocrinology request. I suppose he is right, but I don’t really think my doctor is on my side. She has lost referrals, refused to chase them or find out what is going on with them, she’s also issued the wrong prescription – nothing serious as I knew it was wrong, but hey! I should be able to rely on her to get it right!

Added pressure: there’s a mortgage to pay – if I can no longer cope with my job, we are in real trouble.