What do I want from a relationship?

Doctor call

I had a telephone call with the doctor today. Not the usual one but at least she’d read some of my notes and knew my situation.

There were four things I wanted to discuss with her:

Correcting my antidepressant dose; I don’t know that I need antidepressants but I do want her them to think that I need something.
Expediting the referral to endocrinology.
Either a prescription of progesterone.
Or a bridging prescription of testosterone.

Quickly sorted out the antidepressants. She will write to the endocrinology department. She won’t prescribe me progesterone. She will ask for bridging prescription of testosterone although she has said they don’t often do that, to which I commented that it is good practice when referring someone to the gender identity clinic to provide a bridging prescription to help manage dysphoria, however having been rejected by the gender dysphoria clinic and endocrinology, there really ought to be something available since nobody understands the nature of non-binary genders and I’m suffering as a result.

Now that I’ve realised that I don’t have to get up in the middle of the night several times for a wee, camping actually feels like it could be a fun activity this summer!

System test: it didn’t take long to reach orgasm, but it was completely dry. It felt quite good – and didn’t make any mess, so there are some advantages. Although, I miss the sweet goo!

What is it I want from my husband?

Just before the husband went out to the chemist, he suggested that I take some time to think what it is that I want from him as a partner. Not an unreasonable question, and I had promised that we’d talk today, although I was kind of hoping for at least one day off.

I am feeling very anxious today, and that kind of anxiety that leaves me feeling less than real; as though I’m standing a meter behind myself and looking on. It makes it harder to be immediate and present in situations.

While the husband was out I decided to walk the dog into town for a play in the doggy playpen; which is just a square fenced off so that even disobedient and naughty girls can be let off the lead. It was busy, so I sat on a bench and drank a latte while I gave things some thought.

I’ve realised that there may be things that I cannot say to my husband about how I wish things were between us, even if those things are a factor in any decisions I make. There are things that I’m realising about myself as a non-binary type that explain some of my discontent in my relationship – things which would surprise my husband because my actions have seemed to be the opposite of those characteristics (such as not wanting to be in control, wanting to be led more). They extend into the bedroom, where I particularly need to be the submissive partner.

My husband wants an equal. Can I be that for him? I am certainly leading and initiating discussions about what we are, and creating time for him to say how he has felt the much of the time.

I think I can be ok and happy in a partnership, but it has to be a true partnership: I do not want to be the leader.

Sexually, what do I need? I am a subby bottom, that’s part of my identity – no bottom shaming here! However, bottoming all the time creates pressure for my husband (my only top). Also, he likes to bottom occasionally. I can top from time to time, however my husband also knows that I don’t really like it – and for him to get maximum enjoyment out of it, he needs to know that I’m enjoying it. He is a very considerate lover.

I like to feel that I am satisfying my man; ironically, that had actually placed us in conflict as I want to service him and he wants things to be interactive and mutual. There’s nothing wrong with either of us wanting these things, bit they are not really compatible. I do enjoy mutual sex, which is more emotionally intimate. I need that kind of mutual, intimate sex where we unite as sexual couple. This kind of intimate sex can have a spontaneity to it that kinky sex can often lack (for me).

Where things begin to fall apart and our differences become more problematic is in the realm of kink.

My kinks are varied and always growing as new things pique my interest. They are also exclusively submissive in nature.

(while I’m out walking the dog, I nipped into a shop and bought myself some “edibles”; I’ve never tried anything like that before – I always used to be against mind-altering substances – but my mind is my final frontier, and I want to try things! I’m feeling quite a bit more mellow after eating half a pack, although that could also be down to walking for a few hours and being out of the house)

I want to do some puppy play. Husband thinks it’s cute, but doesn’t want to be my “handler”. That’s fine. What I think I enjoy most about being a puppy is the freedom it brings in regards to getting excited and running about like a mad thing. And napping. I really want him to fall me onto the sofa and put his hand on me. There may be space for puppy play.

I love restraints. That’s my biggest kink. I want to be tied up with Ross and left to stew for an hour or so. Sex afterwards can be restrained or not, I don’t think that I mind. As long as it’s my top’s choice. I do not know what restrained does for me or why I enjoy it. This is something I want to explore.

I used to enjoy a little bit of pain. Punishment in sex is attractive to me – orgasm denial was an extremely hot idea and I used to try to express that on my own using a cock cage. I even have my husband the key to get him involved. He didn’t like it one bit. Of course, cock cages require testicles, so that is one hand I can no longer play!

I enjoy being thrashed and choked. I don’t think those things have gone away. I would like to push that frontier some more and see how far I can go. I love the idea of passing out from being choked, or being sedated or otherwise incapacitated. Of course, wanting to be unconscious during sex is a curious paradox – rather like getting turned on by the idea of being forcibly castrated! Once you’re unconscious, you really can’t experience sex – however there is the knowledge that one was used and there are gaps in one’s knowledge of what happened that are exciting.

I used to enjoy rough sex. This is an area that I’m afraid of – that’s because at the moment this area of kink – the rape and anonymous use fantasies – seem to have gone. I do not know if they existed just as an expression of my need for being absolutely dominated, or whether they existed because of a build up of an unrealised need to explore such kinks as I already had. I am afraid of this because I fear that reintroducing hormones will rehydrate them and give them power over me.

How much these things are needs, and how much they are simply desires in have to discover. If I can, I would like to discover them without causing a final apocalyptic disaster for my marriage and the man that I do love with all of my heart.

And what can I offer him?

The other side is the equation is what can I give him? This is every bit as important as what he can give me.

It should be easy: I want to make him happy. The subby part of me would love nothing more than to do whatever he wants … except doing whatever he wants wouldn’t make him happy because he’s just wonderfully unselfish!

What occurs to me is that I can’t offer him anything beyond what I should have been giving him anyway. It doesn’t feel like a fair trade for me to obtain freedom to explore my identity and sexuality, and for him to get nothing new in return.

He is already resentful that I have said to him “explore yourself”, meaning in so things including sexually. He rightly recognises that I’m only saying that because that is what I want. Not to give him as much would be hypocritical.

He is angry that he ‘gets his freedom” now that he is sixty and too old to enjoy it. All I was cruel as Cato was towards his slaves? Emancipating them when they are too old to work for him any more?

Talking

We started talking about some of these things when I got back from the walk; I’m feeling a little overloaded by it – he seems on the one hand to be saying that I should explore myself – that I won’t know what I really and truly need and want until I’ve tried things out. I need to double check that I’m understanding this correctly because I don’t want to lose him.

Then he started talking about a trial separation; that I should move out for a bit. We could both then explore our different selves. We might find out more of what we each want and have things to talk about further. We might have counselling at the same time.

I’m completely overwhelmed by this and not in a good way.

A look

Today my new cases arrived for my tablet and phone.

I was aware as I opened it that my husband gave me a funny look. I asked him about it when I got home. He said that he’d asked me some time ago (and more than once) how I identified myself, whether I was a “gay man without balls” or a eunuch; at the time I didn’t know. The tablet case confirmed that I be think of myself as a eunuch. He’s upset that I never discussed it with him.