Why I never bothered with the question

Many months ago, when I came out to the world as wanting to be castrated, I was asked all kinds of thoughtful and probing questions by a number of people. You can find these questions in this blog:

Off to Mexico Tomorrow! Questions I Asked Myself

However, there was one question nobody asked! Whether if ever want children!

I only realised that I’d never even considered the issue when I read a friend’s blog:

What are my reasons to be castrated? And how these reasons caused me to do this.

The answer, simply put, is “no”.

However, the answer is more complicated, being “not now”.

When I came out as gay, I didn’t expect to be able to have children (whether biological or adopted). I never expected to ever have a long term relationship, let alone get married.

When I met my husband-to-be, he already had children and said there and then that he didn’t want any more. I was ok with that because I thought that I would love his children and they would love me. For a while I had glimpses of that, but no more than that.

Over time, my husband’s mental health declined, and I felt that I couldn’t bring a child into our relationship.

Once, when my husband and I were in one of several rounds of couples counselling, I was asked what I wanted from life; I answered “children”. She was surprised and asked me to explain. I wanted a child that I could love and play with, I could watch grow and teach, that could be a grandchild to my parents – something they could only dream of. I said that I gave up on that dream because I’d rather be with my husband. I have (unfairly) resented my husband for a great many things, but never for that decision: I chose with open eyes.

Time passes. A lot of time.

Then suddenly I find that I’m nearly fifty and facing this mental health crisis of my own, a crisis of identity. A crisis of been gender and body integrity.

Had anyone asked “do you want children?” during that period, I would easily have answered “no”. I am too old. My brother is five years younger than me, and his toddlers exhaust him. Even if I were to suddenly have a child in my life now, I would be nearly seventy when they reached university: I feel that old parents can be an unfair burden on children.

The answer “no” will only become more vehement the older I get.

It’s not even a question any more!