An advantage to not having testosterone

I slept on the sofa again. I know that I couldn’t quite get my temperature right, but not to the extent that I struggled with when the menopause first set in. I also slept through my alarm.

Something I became aware of this morning: I am not getting up in the night for a wee any more – I suppose my prostate has shut down so I’m not having to service is false “your bladder is full” reading. That’s a pro to having low testosterone that I’d not thought of!

---

Refusing to say “two little words”

More talking last night. I am emotionally exhausted. I am not certain that my husband wants to hear those words any more than I want to say them – and I am afraid that once said they cannot be unsaid. Towards the end of the evening he did start to question whether he was forcing me to say them to punish me for hurting him, and whether he really wants to hear them at all. He has always been the reflective one.

I am torn. I still want to explore myself – I need to explore myself. Having spent so much of my life being dishonest to myself I don’t really know who I am, not in any deep level.

Old things remain true: I still love classical music, I’m still into Star Wars and Star Trek, I still laugh at much of the same stuff. I still love books, but I’m favouring more challenging books, whether fiction or nonfiction, and topics that I would never have considered before. I’m currently reading “Tess of the D’urbivilles”, the book after that is going to be “Untypical: how the would isn’t built for autistic people and what we should all do about it”.

Before I came out as non-binary, actually the thing that caused everything to explode, was the increasing need in me to explore kink. My behaviour changed, especially sexually, and I was asking my husband to do things that made him feel very uncomfortable – actually, he felt like he was being abused (ironically, I was asking him to abuse me), which I suppose he was really. I refused to discuss what was going on and he just obliged me, even though he felt dirty and used. Our sex life really suffered, as did every other aspect of our relationship.

My biggest failing here was being non-communicative about my needs and what was going through my brain. Many people engage in kink simply as a bit of fun. Some regard it as a key part of their identity. Some use kink as a way to explore their deeper psychology; creating a scene an exploring the feelings that it brings up and talking about it afterwards. Sometimes kink can be used to keep heal and process past trauma. Sometimes it can be used to better understand oneself. See The Deep Psychology of BDSM and Kink for further information.

The question I need to address is whether my need for self-knowledge use greater than my desire for my relationship with my husband.

Am I being selfish?

After I’ve walked the dog, we will talk some more…