Last night was uncomfortable to say the least. My husband asked whether I’d ever topped before I met him. I answered honestly: three times. Then he asked “why?” and I said that the guys weren’t people I wanted inside me – they weren’t man enough and I didn’t actually want sex with them, I just was too cowardly to say no. Idiot.

He’s angry because I made him top all the time, which put him under pressure and reduced his enjoyment because that’s all I wanted. He says that for a subby bottom I know what I want and how to get it.

He’s more angry about the things I said when I couldn’t take being fucked. I made the problem him (“you’re going on too long” I said once) rather than taking responsibility for my own discomfort (“I’m getting a bit sore, so you mind if we take a break please?” is what I could have said). I was so immature and so unable to own my own feelings.

I wish I could go back to that olds me and given them a damned good slap.

Now he seems to be pushing me to end our relationship. I don’t want to do that: I want my cake and to eat it. And to further complicate things I’ve had a proposition by a guy into eunuchs. This guy doesn’t want a relationship, just unattached kinky sex. I’m excited and afraid. I do not want to destroy what I have with my husband. I am confused. I am selfish. Are we already destroyed?

He’s slamming doors and stomping around now. He caught me doing some piano practice while I was waiting for some code to process. I don’t know why that should have upset him.

This evening there is an atmosphere … an uncomfortable feeling that I am going to have to head towards later …