Stupid brain

I’ve been awake for hours. Too tired for coherent thought, nevertheless thoughts chatting each other around inside my head. Thoughts of what my husband and I have been taking about today. Fears and exciting thrills. Thinking about the meet up later this month with a couple of eunuch brothers. The increasing possibility of being able to do something positive to help the community. Thoughts of the Eunuch Maker, what he did, and what I might have done. Concerns around a eunuch sister in trouble.

I try various tricks: maths tricks such as finding as many prime numbers as I can, or working the fibonacci sequence. My brain is too tired to keep track of the numbers.

I got up and made hot milk with nutmeg and watched an Ab Fab episode. Then went back to bed … husband was snoring and talking in his sleep, so I got up and went back downstairs to sleep on the sofa. He followed me down after about ten minutes, so returned to bed.

I still can’t get to sleep. Alexa is playing rain sounds, but they don’t really sound like rain … and now that I’ve told her to stop playback I’m aware that it was hurting my ears.

I’m going to play a little bit of piano, then try to sleep again.

It helped a little.

Each time I “woke up” I chatted with a friend struggling with exactly the same issues that I did. I said something like that following to them:

There’s no definitive answer. It’s a personal journey that only you can undertake, crossing that threshold to discover your true self. There’s no guarantee of happiness, regardless of your decision: remain as you are with the persistent, fluctuating desire for castration and that ongoing agony, or step through the gateway and find out for be certain what lies on the other side for you. You might achieve the peace you crave, or face something unexpected and unwelcome. I believe that eventually, you must cross this threshold, shedding any illusions of manhood to discover your true identity. Once you do, you’ll be forever different from other men, and if you choose, you can embark on the greatest adventure of your life – exploring and redefining your soul and identity. Discover how fascinating you truly are and the richness life offers. If you decide to pass through, do it with full commitment and embrace who you become. One thing is certain: if you don’t accept yourself as you are on the other side and choose to enjoy life’s adventures, whatever they may be, you will experience more misery than you do today.

I wonder if that’s too strong. In this I need to be as Tolkien’s elves: “do not go to the elves for advice, for they shall say both no and yes”. Advice is a dangerous gift that costs the giver very little because they have nothing to lose. Advice even with experience, qualification, or insight might be wrong or inappropriate. In this I must say caveat emptor: buyer beware!

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I still can’t quite get comfortable heat-wise at night, which I wonder what that might be a permanent shift in my biology, but I reckon that the worst of these flushes are over. It could be time, or the supple supplements. I don’t intend quitting the pills and testing that out just yet.

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We are on the coach to London. My husband is busy chatting to some guy on Grindr. What an experience! Why do I say that? First, he’s never been into technology and has always stayed away from social media. Second, he would have regarded phone use in company as antisocial. Thirdly, he’s sexting! What a weird thing to be sat next to and ok with! As long as he’s happy and enjoying himself, I find that I’m happy!

The strangest thing about this situation? I want to talk to him about gender identity things and I don’t want to interrupt him. I am enjoying this change in our relationship.

Whether we are lovers at the moment, or ever will be again, I do not know (and the fear that we might never be again is horrible to contemplate). I do feel and believe that we are friends for the first time. I’d thought that we were before, but we are more separate and individual and happy in each other’s individually. I am feeling slightly confused that I am not sensing (or imagining more like) jealousy. I am not feeling jealous either – I am just happy that he seems happy.

We talked about gender identify – my gender identity – how I feel gender-neutral. It was a little bumpy at times because my husband doesn’t feel any great complexity in his gender and sexuality (gay man) and it’s afraid that all these different flags and identities actually divide and weaken us; which is something I agree with. However, I also understand and need for myself the identification that I find in being non-binary and a eunuch. It took a lot for me to get this understanding of myself and I want to enjoy any celebrate it.

We talked more about sex over coffee and a cake. I’d bought myself a pair of backless undies for my puppy gear, but my husband had changed his mind from a fetish club to a sauna. I don’t mind. We needed to talk about what might happen. We’re still not clear on whether he will go alone and I might go to a different one, or we might go together but split up and and do our own thing once inside. It was an awkward conversation; I think that was really because I was tired after hours of too-hot coaches. We’ll finalise the tomorrow … which seems like it’s going to be a very interesting day!

We are now at the hotel at the ABBA Voyage arena. The “room” is, shall we say  like a wardrobe with beds in it! I expect I shall be comfortable enough!