System test

My husband has been off sex with me because I cannot cum. Or cumming is difficult and tends to take forever when I’ve been “at it” for a while. Last night before sleep instead of my usual anti-ED exercise, I decided to continue to orgasm. I can stop at any time and not feel particularly frustrated, so edging isn’t a thing since that requires that one experience sexual frustration (which itself can feel quite good – I did chastity for a while and enjoyed the sense of being so horny that my cum would spontaneously leak). It was interesting to find that, on my own, it didn’t take too long to reach orgasm. It felt nice, but nothing special – not like the amazing orgasms I had in weeks three to six after my castration. However, it was completely dry. Not a drop of eunuch goo. I was a little disappointed, but at least there wasn’t any cleaning up to do.

This morning I woke up with wood, which felt great!

I have spent the morning writing a letter to my bestie in New Zealand. She knows about the existence of the blog (as many of my human friends do), but I have not given her (or them) the link. I think its because I record things that I wouldn’t discuss with muggles, no matter how dear they are to me. Things here get a little fruity … but I would like to be more authentic with them, so perhaps I shall include the link in the letter and mark it NSFW!

I’ve also adjusted the site’s logo just a little bit … see if you can work out what’s changed!

Talking, talking, talking

My husband and I have spent the best part of the day talking. And I mean the best part of the day. It has been good – not always easy or painless – but good.

This morning he didn’t want to talk; he was holding back and didn’t want to share – to be vulnerable. He did share and I appreciated it. He’s feeling bad about not being honest on Grindr: he has a fake profile. I am sure that most guys lie on their profile to some degree; however, my husband isn’t most guys and dishonesty is toxic to him and utterly out of character. The experience on Grindr hasn’t been entirely without rewards for him though – he’s flirted and gathered some reassurance over himself.

He remains angry, he has a right to, about being “freed” in his sixties to explore his sexuality – to find out who he is and what he likes. It’s tough and not fair. I wish we could have done all this many years ago when we were both younger. I just have to take responsibility for my part in stunting his growth and stealing the time he could have spent in enjoying who he was (I know I don’t have all the blame, but 26 years out of a 60 year life is quite a chunk. We have lived together longer than we lived with anybody else, including our parents.

After lunch, we talked a bit about the Eunuch Maker sentencing. Twenty-two years feels too light for all the harm he did … at the same time there is a little injustice there: the lack of care from the government and from society created an environment where vulnerable people felt that they had no choice but to go to Marius. He is right in one respect: he offered a service. This in no way excuses any of his actions, but does explain why he was able to function and the problem he was able to offer some kind of solution to.

My husband really focussed on the support his victims could get now and the psychological damage done. Nothing exists that supports people like us and the feelings we have about ourselves and our bodies because society is completely binary in its approach to sex and gender.

Then the conversation turned to our upcoming visit to London. He said that he planned on visiting a sauna. Questions arose! Would we go together? Would we go and split up once inside and do our own thing? Should I find my own sauna? He said it was a bit late in the day for discussing it, but that my lack of sex drive made such conversations difficult.

I then shared a little about how I felt. I did feel some embarrassment about saying what I felt. I led by saying that I had to be ok with whatever happened, because I started this whole thing off, but that I do have feelings. I feel a sadness that what was once exclusive no longer is. I am happy with online flirting. Kissing feels strange, because in some respects that is more intimate than sex. Sucking I was fine with. Rimming feels risky – neither of us are on PREP at the moment. As does bareback fucking. I was ok-ish with him fucking another guy, but him getting fucked troubled me because I associate being fucked with being less masculine and I don’t want to imagine him as less masculine. This is my hangup not his. Besides, there’s not a lot less masculine than not having testicles!

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When we got home and started packing, I got out my pup hood and tail and put them on. I immediately was overcome with puppy excitement! Hubby was surprised, but not unpleasantly so … maybe I’ll let my puppy side out in London … now what is my puppy persona called?

Maybe I’ll ask the hubby for suggestions …