Daily check-in

No sleepers last night and only slightly disturbed by warm flushes a couple of times. I did wake before the alarm, and since hubby was already up, I had some fun with hypnosis – I went very deep, which I really love as I lose all sense of self.

I had a beautiful cycle to work. The air was so fresh after several days of rain. I love the smell of the world the day after rain – especially in the spring.

My scrotal void was mostly fine; I think yesterday’s spin might have left it a ever so slightly tender. I do feel that cycling might be good for breaking down the scar tissue: the area underneath is a lot softer that the scar on my cock, which feels like a tight thread. I massage the whole area with scar oil once or twice a day, and then rub a little onto my left shoulder and behind my left ear, which is where the worst itching is.

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Starting a coming out

After a lunch with some friends at work, I was in the car heading back to the office with a colleague that I get on well with. I would say that we are work mates, and sometimes we talk a little about non-work things and relationships.

He was telling me about a series he’s watching on Netflix called “Baby Reindeer”, which has a bisexual main character and his transsexual girlfriend.

The conversation moved to the distinctions between biological sex, and the social constructs of gender and sexuality. I was building up to telling him about me, but I only got as far as saying that I was non-binary. I think it will be an interesting conversation to have one day – I am looking forward to it!

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Feeling comfortable in myself

One of the lovely things about having a dog is that there is (usually) somebody who is pleased to see you. Our dog is a bit temperamental, especially first thing in the morning. She will ignore you until she can be bothered to get up.

Eventually, the dog (Darcy) got up and started jumping at me. She knows that I’ll let her out before breakfast, whereas my husband tends to wait until she’s had her breakfast before taking her into the garden.

Darcy was bouncing up and down at me while I was trying to drink my coffee, I said “Mummy’s up, so you want him to take you into the garden?”.

As I closed the backdoor behind me a thought occurred to me: I enjoy being teased.

I knew that I now like my husband teasing me about my (lack of) testicles, but I realised that I enjoyed being teased and can accept it and enjoy the affection and intimacy it expresses.

I used to hate being teased. My husband would use the chain around his neck and dangle it in my face while we were watching a film. I felt completely disrespected by it. That was because bullies at school would tease me by name calling (“bum chum”, “queer boy”, etc) and by trying to get a rise out of me by throwing paper darts at me or poking me with pencils – which physically doesn’t feel too dissimilar to having a necklace dangled on my face. Emotionally all these things are completely different from anything my husband has ever done – but I could not see that until now.

It has taken me twenty-six years to come to terms with teasing as a sign of affection. I actually made my husband stop teasing me because it made me feel uncomfortable, yet this was for him an instinctive way that he would express affection, and was one of the few ways in his family of birth that affection had been shown. In doing that, I took something away from him.

Now that I am comfortable in myself I can not only tolerate teasing, but enjoy and participate in this marvellous form of affection. I miss my husband teasing me and want to encourage him to rediscover this part of himself.