Polysexuality

On Tuesday I was so tired after work, however when I got home I noticed that my husband looked like he needed to talk about his counselling session. When asked he said that he didn’t want to talk while I was so tired as he would do all the talking while I struggled to concentrate.

Yesterday I started making a coffee when I got home from work; normally I won’t drink caffeine at all, especially not in the evening, and especially when I’m struggling to get a decent night’s sleep. Husband was therefore surprised and asked why. I explained that I wanted to make sure that I would be able to concentrate while he talked to me. He then said the moment had gone, which I felt bad about. I then said that perhaps we could try this some other time: if he knows that he has something to talk about and I am already tired, then I have a coffee before e talk, and later half a sleeper before bed. Its worth a go.

So I hadn’t expected to talk last night, but I wanted to just let hubby know where I was at. So I said that I was feeling much lower and that sometimes I think of self-harming. I put the feeling down to poor sleep and the general fatigue, the lack of exercise (which I enjoy), the sometimes-fuggy brain, and the lack of physical intimacy between us – especially cuddles. He said that cuddles between us were feeling “parental”, which took me by surprise. I suppose that I am seeking reassurance from him a lot, and feeling needy. However I am looking to give reassurance just as much through hugs and being physically warm. Hugging was a means of communication with my mum and nan, which I carry with me and I express myself through a lot. He said that he no longer felt the need for reassurance from me, especially since I used the ill-fated phrase about my need for castration “like it or lump it, this is happening”, which said to him that I didn’t care what he thought … and he’s taken it to mean that I never cared what he thought or thinks, which just isn’t true.

He also started asking just what our relationship was. Are we just friends? Companions? We’re not (currently) lovers. I said that I think we were working towards the best sort of partnership we’ve ever had where we were true partners. I asked whether we still loved each other, adding that I still loved him. He still loves me. Writing here, though, I wonder what that means. It feels important, but is it enough?

I also introduced my husband to the word “polysexual”. Polysexuality is similar to bisexual and pansexual. Whereas bisexual is attraction to male and female, but excludes nonbinary types. Pansexual is attracted to anybody irrespective of gender. Polysexual includes non-binary genders, so one could be into men and eunuchs and not women (for instance) and that would count as polysexual. Husband wasn’t that keyed up on it really: he’s a proud gay man and doesn’t need extra labels to define him. I said that he can adopt labels and drop labels as suits his identity, and he might have fun thinking about it and talking about it with others.

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Mains power is online

For once I had a good nights sleep and woke up feeling almost refreshed. It turns out that there was a thunderstorm last night and I always sleep really well during a thunderstorm! (or heavy rain – that makes me sleep really well, too).

As a result, I was able to get up in time to go to the gym and I had enough energy to do some interval training and some yoga! It would have been a perfect session if I hadn’t got cramp! Hey ho! It felt good to have some energy for once.

Lunchtime I went for nachos with my boss. Its nice him knowing my status – he’s a lovely guy and its very freeing having him know where I am at and the bumps and hollows on my journey.