Thoughts on my Sunday run

A good night’s sleep and I have actually woken feeling refreshed! I got about seven hours, then did a bit of hypnosis with a new hypnotist (files on SoundCloud https://on.soundcloud.com/hSNZD).

My morning run wasn’t quite what I hoped it would be; it was really difficult. I ended up doing a lot of stop starting. I am really curious to find out how testosterone impacts my ability to exercise. I wonder whether it just improves the functioning my muscles and my nerves, or whether it’s because it might increase the focus of my mind. How will I know whether the change is mental, physical, or both?

If testosterone  is responsible for increasing my mental focus and determination (assuming it is improved), I wonder if there’s some sort of irony there: did testosterone give me the focus and drive to have my testicles removed?!

It’s an interesting thought, that had my testicles not been producing testosterone, I mightn’t have cared enough to get them removed?

Except that I hated the sack and the feeling of it creeping around as the evil orbs rose and fell with the temperature. Thinking of that gives me shivers!

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Pointless?

My husband and I tried having another conversation today. I opened by saying that I recognise that Grindr is affecting his self-esteem and that I be think it’s making him unhappy. Then his anger at being “forced” to use it came out. He is feeling sexually frustrated. I asked how he would feel about being intimate with me; annoyingly, he said that he thought we might be today, but after this conversation he didn’t feel good about it.

I said that I would be on with us being intimate even if he did (mostly) just want to get this rocks off. Then he said “that would suit you, wouldn’t it? You just want to be used.” That wasn’t what I meant; besides, I don’t think that sex with him would ever be a matter of cum and go: I believe that he has to have an emotional connection to be able to perform. I wonder if that’s another reason why hookup culture is so difficult for him; I’ve suggested before that he might be a demisexual.

We didn’t really get anywhere this time either, but at least I don’t feel quite so low and I don’t feel like hurting myself. We even stepped out for a coffee.

Whilst having our coffee, I shared that I was feeling low about my birthday. This isn’t because fifty is an appalling age to suddenly find myself at, but more simply because I miss my mum. It dawned on me a few years ago that birthdays are actually more special to parents (especially, I dare say, mothers), since the  child really isn’t aware of the whole birth thing and carries no memories of it. My birthday was special to my mum. Without her, it feels like it has lost its importance.

Do not take this as an excuse not to buy me presents: I need all the consolation I can get!

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Failure To Launch

It was late in the day when we got back from coffee, so I suggested a snuggle on the sofa. My husband didn’t quite feel comfortable, so suggested we go upstairs for a lie down.

After cuddling for a short while, he directed my hand downwards…

I was wonderfully surprised; after this afternoon’s conversation, I hadn’t expected Intimate Relations!

It was wonderful. And my little guy stood proudly to attention the whole time!

However, I couldn’t make Eunuch goo.

My husband said that he felt awkward and that this proved something that he’d been afraid of. He’d also been afraid that I’d be unable to get erections, but (thanks to daily practice) I can – and they’re fiercer them ever!

However, pump as long as I did, no goo did I make.

He said “at least you won’t get sexually frustrated”.

I replied “no, but I can feel disappointment; and I am sorry to disappoint you”.

Late edit: I don’t feel embarrassed, because this is expected, however I do feel disappointed and worried for what this might mean for my husband and me in the meantime. I really hope that testosterone arrives soon and my body resumes making eunuch goo.