Cycle to Work

Yesterday I did my first cycle to work since – well, maybe since the winter started, but definitely since my bike was stolen back at the start of the year. Its a slow climb uphill (not the meanest hill around, but it is first thing in the morning), but I done it! Yay!

Its not comfortable on my scrotal void, but I guess I have to get used to it. I definitely wouldn’t want to do it without wearing padded cycle shorts.

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Anti-ED Exercises

I am finding keeping the motivation to do my anti-ED exercises difficult. What with fatigue and poor nights sleep I don’t really fancy doing them. It is also getting harder to stimulate an erection, which is a bit scary. The way I used to quickly get an erection before castration used to be to hold the foreskin and wiggle everything, which would stimulate an erection (sometimes I could cum just by doing that and not even getting hard until afterwards). That doesn’t work anymore. Indeed, the whole way I reach orgasm feels different.

While I was still trying to arrange castration back in December 2023, I originally selected circumcision at the same time. I didn’t feel strongly about it back then (I like the look, but have no dysphoria about my foreskin), so it was the one part of the procedure that I asked my husband what he would like. He said that he’d like me to keep it (he also asked whether I was actually after a designer penis). So I wasn’t circumcised at the same time.

What I find when I am masturbating is that I’m tending to pull down my foreskin and work it as though I was circumcised. I may have to do that because without testosterone I’m not horny so I need the extra stimulation, or (and this may be a worry) something might have been damaged or rendered less sensitive during the operation, or (and this is my favourite) without testicles being wired in that the old jerking action just doesn’t do it any more. That last one is in keeping with what other guys have told me about not feeling their balls draw up just before they cum.

I am fascinated to learn how my body will change again when testosterone is reintroduced; I will actually start to feel as though this first part of the process has ended because I will have both the genital configuration and the hormone supplementation I need and I will finally be able to start living a full post-castration life.

Last night’s “system test” took ages, it even woke the husband with the “vibrations”. It did take ages, and although the build up felt amazing, the orgasm wasn’t worth the effort and wasn’t that intense. I produced only a teaspoon of goo, and it didn’t taste of anything.

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I wish I hadn’t asked

I wanted to write some notes to take with me to the doctor to make sure that I said everything I needed to. I also asked my husband if he would mind coming with me to make sure that I said everything and that what I said was understood.

He immediately got pissy with me. I am not completely certain why. I think he’s pissed off that it’s taking such a long time to sort out my hormones and that it’s affecting him (he doesn’t want sex with me while orgasming is an uncertainty), and I am too tired to talk about us very much; I did think we were still doing plenty of talking even though I was tired. He said that he felt that he had to watch how long conversations went on for; there is some truth there: at the end of the day I am bloody shattered! He was also pissy because I hadn’t asked for his help during this whole process and now I want it. I did say that I could do this doctors on my own, but I would appreciate his help.

This isn’t the first time I’ve asked for his help: I asked for him to help me when I got back from Mexico, but he was too ill and I ended caring for him for two or three weeks.

After we finished talking, I made myself a cup of “sleepy tea”. When I finished stirring the teabag, I applied the back of the spoon to my hand just above the thumb. It hurt. I don’t know why I was surprised it hurt. It didn’t feel good, but I felt less bad having something else to think about. I have a round pink area on my hand this morning.

I’ve woken up today feeling low.

What do I want from the doctor?

• Testosterone blood test: I don’t expect endocrinology to need it, but I also don’t want any further delays, so I want to have one ready for them. It had also been suggested to me by a friend that it will lend weight to my situation if Haematology are also involved as they may insist on treatment.
• I want to know what was said on my referral: I need to be certain that endocrinology know that I have been rejected by the Gender Identity Clinic because they don’t regard this as a gender issue.
• Finally, I want my antidepressants increased. The first reason is that I am frequently feeling low and it’s interfering in my life. Secondly, because it adds further urgency to the request for hormones.

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The doctors

I didn’t insist on the usual doctor this time. I’ve got to the point where I just don’t care who knows I haven’t got testicles anymore. The doctor I did see was lovely compassionate inquisitive; she was surprised that the gender identity clinic would not help me.

She confirmed that the referral made earlier this week does mention the fact that the gender identity clinic has already rejected me; that’s reassuring because now the endocrinology department cannot reject me on the grounds that it’s a gender issue.

I’ve booked in for a blood test; the earliest I could get was Tuesday next week.

My antidepressants have been increased slightly. Well, doubled, I was on a very low dose!

It was really good to have my husband with me; he helped keep things on track and make sure that she heard what I needed to say, and make sure that I said what I needed to say. He even mentioned that he himself was under the care of the mental health team and that, since my operation, I’ve been less able to help him, adding some urgency to the situation.

I forgot to mention a big increase in migraines and that I feel as though my brain is mush a lot of the time. Thinking it’s like wading through treacle.

It is now just waiting game.