I Like To Ride My Bicycle

First Cycle In Months

After a good night’s sleep (even waking with what might charitably called a semi), and some breakfast, I went for my first cycle since January (when my old bike was stolen). I went from home along country lanes breathing in the fresh air (bet cold on my ears) and listening to the bird song. There were no hills on this route. My scrotal void did ache, but so did the palms of my hands, so the lower ache isn’t entirely to do with the dishes down there. I’m just going to have to get used to it.

Dad

I spoke to my dad this morning. I call him every Sunday morning before he goes to his club. I don’t like to talk to him in the afternoons: alcohol makes it harder to understand him and he gets quite aggressive, which I really do not like.

This morning he opened up about the difficulties caring for mum when she has cancer, and the painful decisions that he had to make. He very rarely talks emotions and was getting upset, as was I, however I appreciated him talking about it. He is carrying a lot of pain from that terrible time.

Often, conversations with dad are a list of jobs he hasn’t done but plans to get round to, or reliving glories if his working past, where he outwitted or embarrassed an incompetent boss. It’s very rare for him to get emotional about anything.

No idea

My husband and I talked today. I wish I could summarise what we talked about, but aside from leaving me feeling very low and teary, I actually don’t know!

He’s unhappy and angry. Angry that I changed the rules in our relationship and unhappy that he’s too old to take advantage of it.

I am really wondering whether there is a way to wind back the clock and unsay what I said about opening out relationship. Can we fulfill each other if we talk about it? I’m concerned that without hormones that I can’t really say how feel about sex, and he understands that, even if he’s frustrated by it.

Afterwards, he said that he was going to Costa for a coffee. I asked if he’d like me to come; his response wasn’t encouraging. I really wanted to stay behind and lick my wounds, but I do not want to hide from uncomfortable feelings, so I went. It was a nice coffee.

When we got back, I even asked if he’d like to come up for a cuddle. He was messing with his phone and rather absent mindedly replied that he’d be up in a minute.

Twenty minutes later I gave up waiting and did a bit of hypnosis, followed by a “system test” that really wasn’t worth the effort. I did get deliciously hard and it felt good to do – especially tapping on my scrotal void, but I wasn’t in the right space emotionally.

I have no idea what today has been about.