Last Night
I read husband much of what I’d written on Monday. Then followed a difficult conversation. Not only on the subject that I’d written about, but a revisit of a number of other areas. The only penance I can make is to listen, really listen.
l slept alone last night.
I also tried for a “system test”. The news is that nine weeks after castration that I can no longer cum. Orgasm was ok, although nothing to write home about. Some of that could be low mood, however the biggest contributing factor is going to be low testosterone.
I woke this morning feeling very low and very tired. I also had a migraine, so I had to get up to have a sumatriptan.
I am in that depressed phase of self-discovery. It’s one reason that I’ve always resisted antidepressants – I thought that I would only make changes to my life if I felt uncomfortable. Idiot! I always run away from uncomfortable feelings, from responsibility, so antidepressants wouldn’t make any difference. I know I’m at the “feeling sorry for myself” phase; this time, when it passes, I will actually have learnt something!
When I went downstairs and made my husband a coffee, I asked why he’d slept on the sofa. “Because I felt like it’ was his answer, although there was no tone to make me feel that there was any bad feeling there. He has asked me to send him what I read out to him last night, because there was a lot to it.
Finally, he said that he thought we should have separate beds. He has said this many times in the past and I have always poo-pooed the idea, thinking that if we didn’t share a bed, that we were over. I quietly said “ok”. If we are going to be over, sleeping in separate beds won’t stop it.
I did go to the gym and did some spinning on my own. The padded underwear made it much more comfortable.
I think I may understand part of my problem. I’m feeling shame, not guilt. Shame is a useless emotion (in my opinion), it says “I am bad”: what can I do with that emotion? Guilt is useful, it says “I have done a bad thing”: I can do something with that feeling – I can maybe make amends or atone, or at least I can learn from it. The only thing to do with shame is hide it, run away from it. This emotion needs to be translated somehow into guilt.
I have to somehow transform shame into guilt; this is going to involve shifting the focus from self-condemnation to acknowledging and taking responsibility for specific actions. How can I do that?
Identify specific actions: I need to continue to reflect on the situation that triggered the feelings of shame and pinpoint the specific actions or behaviours that contributed to it.
Evaluate objectively: I don’t think that there’s any doubt that the actions were morally wrong or harmful to others. There’s nothing disproportionate about feeling very bad about my actions.
Take responsibility: I need to acknowledge my role in the situation and accept responsibility for my actions. I am admitting my mistakes and recognizing that I certainly should have had control over my behaviour.
Make amends: my actions have hurt others, however an apology isn’t going to be enough. I cannot imagine how I might make restitution to my husband. The only thing I can offer is a permanent change in my behaviour to prevent similar situations in the future.
Learn and grow: I haver to use this while sorry experience as an opportunity for personal growth and learning. I have to work on recognising when I feel emotional discomfort and maybe work with others too identify what that’s about and what the appropriate action is (if an action is indicated). I must stop thinking that “I know best” or “this little transgression won’t hurt”; that’s entitled thinking that separates me from the people I care about and enables me to behave badly.
I can only hope that by reframing shame into guilt and taking constructive steps to address the underlying actions and behaviours, rather than marinating in self-pity, maybe I can transform negative emotions into opportunities for self-improvement and ethical behaviour. There really isn’t a lot else I can do.
I hate the way I am feeling now, and the only way to deal with these feelings is to actually deal with them.
Maybe I also need to think about why I perceive things that perhaps I should feel guilt about as shame.
Eunuchorn 
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