Another poor night’s sleep, again more from a busy head than hot flushes (although they still happen, the lighter blanket makes them manageable). After self-discoveries like yesterday, where I realise I’m not always the nice guy I like to think I am, I usual have a mood drop. So I’m feeling low,  recognise the feeling and the reason: a drop in self-esteem and a bruised ego.

I will talk to my husband later about what I realised yesterday. He knows what it’s about: I broke down in tears on him yesterday. Sobbing that I’d fucked his life up while he held me, which was a fucked up situation in itself. We touched on it last night – he was a little angry that I was upset about hurting him and yet he was comforting me. I can be very needy sometimes!

I was chatting with a friend yesterday; he recommended calling endocrinology, which I did. It took them bloody ages to pick up the phone. I spoke to a secretary and discovered why my referral was rejected: they are not commissioned to deal with gender issues and I should be referred to the Gender Identity Clinic. I said that they had rejected me because they don’t do eunuchs. I said that I had been without hormones for two months. The secretory said that she would speak to the consultant and get back to me.

He also suggested the I arrange a blood test with the doctor; he believes that if there is concrete evidence of low testosterone, that there Haematology Dept will itself insist that I be treated. I’ve nothing to lose from getting a blood test.

I will also ask the doctor for an increase in my antidepressant dose. My mood is dropping, and that was before yesterday, and low mood/depression are a symptom of low testosterone. I might be ok without taking stronger antidepressants, but it is getting harder to self-motivate and I do not want to become depressed when there are ways to avoid it.

Endocrinology didn’t get back to me today.