Adaptation

I slept eat better last night. Rather than fighting to stay under the gorgeous, heavy, warm duvet, I instead used a lighter blanket and slept on top. Take that! You nasty hot flushes! As a result, I was able to get up and go to the gym. Light weights this morning, as directed by the good doctor. Lighter weights and higher reps are better for my age anyway; I’m too old to make new fat twitch muscle (the bulky, sexy type), but I can still make the slow twitch type (better for endurance exercise anyway). My legs now ache! Which, actually, feels good!

I am trying to resist having a nap today (ie after work!), I want to go to bed tired. I also treat myself to a couple of sleepers of a Friday and Saturday night as I don’t have to get up in the morning.

Excuse me, miss, I’m having a menopause

I went into Boots the chemist today to find menopause medicine. There was a bewildering array of menopausal tablets. I didn’t know what I needed. I picked up one box and went to the pharmacist and said “my body isn’t able to make testosterone, I’m waiting on a referral to endocrinology, so I guess I’m like a menopausal woman”. She then spent about ten minutes going through the various packets before suggesting the cheapest one. Everything I hear about these menopause remedies days that they can take several weeks to work … however, I’ve also heard that symptoms like hot flushes should clear up after about three months. I’m wondering whether I’ll ever really know whether these remedies actually work.

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Husband is back

It was good to have him walk back in the door. I do enjoy time to myself, but I was working, so I couldn’t really appreciate the time – except by watching films he doesn’t like.

He stayed one night with a mutual friend, the one I’d told everything to so that he’d have somebody to talk to about my castration. This was the first person he’s really been able to talk to about anything. He said it was good.

The next day he visited my mum’s grave and spent some time there reflecting on things. There were very fond of each other. She loved him very much.

He spent the afternoon shopping in Bristol, before spending an hour in a gay bar. It wasn’t his sort of place, being a bear bar (I’d have been happy); he is into twinks.

Today, after he got back to Southampton, he met up for coffee with a guy he’s been speaking to on Grindr. Nothing more than coffee…. at this time…. he says he’ll tell me more tomorrow.

Should I feel something about this? I don’t feel jealousy. At the moment they talk most days, it seems, but the way he describes things they sound like friends. So what if my husband does want to do something? I won’t really know how I feel until I’m faced with it. I feel like I should mind, but a feeling of desiring for him to be happy is what I’m actually feeling.

I am looking forward to a cuddle on the sofa tonight!