Spinning at the Gym

I slept downstairs last night after not being able to shut my head down or slow my heart down, and getting another night of hot flushes. I actually slept better on the sofa, but I was knackered in the morning. Husband came down about ten-past-five and clattered through the child gate into the kitchen, waking me up (the child gate stops the dog from roaming the house at night and sleeping on the sofa). Then he came and plonked himself on the sofa next to me, which really woke me up. He went back up to bed anyway. I needed a pee, but lay there for another hour, even snoozing the alarm twice.

I eventually remembered that last night my husband had asked me what time my alarm was set because he wanted to get up, so I made us coffees and got him stirred (he’d nodded off).

Having gotten up early enough, I did go to the gym. I hurriedly put together a play list, jumped on a spinning bike, and had a little spinning session all by myself. I work with the music to shape what I do in the spinning sprint, climb, “jump”, push-ups, and so on (about ten years ago I did training as a fitness instructor, actually reaching personal trainer level – one of the courses I took was spin instructing). I lasted 25 minutes, with a 5 minute cooldown (which is what I had planned for). Dr Rebolloso had said that cycling might not be comfortable: he was right. Normally, I don’t wear cycling shorts for spinning, but I think I am going to have too: the part of my body that is in contact with the seat predominantly is my new erogenous zone! There was nothing erogenous about this experience.

However, I do feel confident enough to buy a new bike (mine was stolen earlier in the year when thieves broke into our shed).

The showers were interesting … I’d read that sexual attraction disappears after castration and loss of testosterone … so far that doesn’t seem to be the case! I am afraid that I do enjoy the gym, mostly because I love exercise and being active, but I do enjoy the view! Today the showers were exceptional: this tall, muscular guy, with a back covered in soft dark hair and even hairier front, pecs to die for, a neatly trimmed dark brown beard, and dark curly hair – and a beautiful smile – caught my eye – and I loved his strong, manly form next to my castrated less-than-masculine form. Even without testosterone I can feel tingles down there thinking about it (but no stiffy – sad times).

So far, I don’t detect any drop in finding hot guys hot! For me, this is very pleasing!

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Testosterone update

Only a brief note: I chased the NHS complaints people yesterday and I heard back that my doctor should redo the endocrinology referral this week. They still haven’t heard anything from the endocrinology department at the hospital about the complaint. However, I feel more optimistic now.

I am kind of getting by without hormones, but I need something for my health and energy … and I do want to feel horny occasionally: my husband feels that without a sexual urge that it will be difficult for us to discuss sex.

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Home Alone

My husband has gone to Bristol to visit a mutual friend. He’s needed somebody to talk to about what all “this” has meant to him since I first came out as non-binary. He won’t break a confidence, so he wasn’t going to say anything to anybody without my permission – actually, without me having spoken to them first. To help him, I wrote to this friend of ours and told her as much as I could of what has happened and what (at that time) was about to happen. I had to edit what I said slightly, because she’s a lady and I didn’t want to presume upon her experience of kink nor inflict our sex life on her. I then let my husband read the letter so that he knew what I had said to her and to confirm what she would knew.

Today he has gone to stay with her for a night and talk about what all this has meant for him. I am afraid that he won’t really be able to relax with her and be as unfiltered as perhaps he needs, but she is a lovely warm person and I am sure she will hold his words and give him some comfort.

He’s also spending a night in a hotel after visiting our friend. Partly this is because he wants to spend some time in Bristol (there is great shopping to be had in my beautiful home city), but he also wants to try going out on the town.

So, something might happen, or might not. We’ve not agreed boundaries yet, however I have said that he should do whatever he’s comfortable with and makes him happy. I find that I really do want him to be happy, and in completely different way to previously: now his happiness for me could be an expression or exploration of himself, this would have scared me before, or left me feeling betrayed. Love for me is different now.

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Blue – uh – I don’t know!

It seems that, even though I don’t feel horny, if I find myself put in the way of something sexually exciting, that my body can still respond. This was an interesting and exciting discovery. So far, I’ve had to make a conscious decision to get hard and cum. What I wasn’t expecting was for some surprise stimulation (eg reading something, or seeing/hearing something) to give me tingles, that converted to a stonker. I actually thought that I was going to be able to finish off! …  and then there was an interruption and the moment was lost. I still feel that tingle though!

I love this journey I’m on! Even the difficult bits, but I love finding out how my body works now, and being surprised by it and how my brain now works. I don’t know if the way my brain works now is different because I’m castrated; but that can’t entirely be the reason, because it’s been changing over the last few years, and had quite a shake up last year. However, I am different, I am a more open and adventurous me.

So, I don’t have balls, but I still feel an urge to cum .. what should I call that?!