Harrumph. The Hot Flushes Return

Last night’s sleep was greatly disturbed by hot flushes, after four or five guys nights sleep. The main difference between those good nights and last night was that it was a long weekend and I used sleep aids! Perhaps I’m always getting them at night, but the sleeping pills just mean that I sleep through them! I can’t take sleeping pills off a work night though, because I would struggle to get up … but I’m struggling to get up anyway (I’d planned to go to the gym this morning, but was too tired) … so, perhaps, I have nothing to lose by taking the sleepers every night?

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Ten Years of Marriage Equality

We watched a programme on the telly about ten years of same sex marriage in the United Kingdom (well, England and Wales). It is strange to think that when my husband was born, homosexuality was still illegal. It was only legalised three years after his birth.

It is also weird to think back to just how difficult it was to be gay when I came out, how scary it still was in the mid nineties, yet how much had changed since my husband came out and when I came out.

We had a civil partnership for both romantic and practical reasons: we wanted to protect each other. I guess that wanting to protect the one you love is also a romantic reason. Everybody at the ceremony called it a “wedding” because that’s what it was in all but name.

A couple of years ago, we converted our civil partnership into a marriage. It was a simple meeting at the registry office. Neither of us wanted, or could afford, a big event like our civil partnership. I didn’t want to do anything that changed the meaning of that original ceremony: there were people there whom I loved and are no longer with me, so I was delighted that the nature of the legislation recognises that what we have has always been a marriage – meaning that my mum and my nan were both present at a marriage.

After the TV show, my husband asked whether I still liked gay things. This question surprised me. Of course I still like gay things! I’m still gay! I suppose, the question comes from a place of him wondering what non-binary means, however the answer to his question he had printed on the mug he got me for valentine’s: Firstly, my name is James who also happens to be a gay eunuch.

It does make me think though: how do I identify? Do I have multiple possible identities? Can I identify as non-binary? I don’t really identify as male, I think I’d myself as “semi-masc(uline)” or “semi-male”. However, “gay” applies to same-sex relationships, do I qualify as a different gender? Do I think of myself as a different gender? Sometimes I do. We’re not quite homosexual, but we’re definitely not heterosexual. The thing is, that until my husband had said “I suppose you’re non-binary now” I had not thought of myself as [becoming] anything other than a gay guy without balls. Now I rather embrace the non-binary aspect of my body.

My pronouns remain he/him (although if I’m in the room with you, please refer to me by name! “Who’s ‘she’? The cat’s mother?” as me mum would say).

I’m wondering how other eunuchs identify? It seems to me that some simply identify as guys without balls, some are definitely non-binary, some identify as “eunuch gender”, some as female. I think that I feel like any one of those first three examples, depending on how I am feeling at the time!

I present as male, but I’m wearing things that I wouldn’t have done before – I’m wearing a lot more pink! And I wear fluffy scarves!

I rather enjoy the ambiguity when thinking about my identity!