Learning to enjoy grief

Quiet Night

A second night without flushes, which is good, but also nothing to get excited about – I’ve had two nights in a row without hot flushes before, only to have four nights in a row with increasingly intense flushes.

I forgot to put the lavender oil on last night and this morning the scar had white dry skin, so not quite healed yet. Once the lavender oil runs out, I’ll use bio-oil. I want the scar to be as faint as possible.

A Cup of a Tea and a Piece of Cake

Normally, I come to Clevedon a few times a year; particularly on significant dates, for example my Nan’s birthday, my mum’s birthday, and mother’s day.

A family saying hello to the policewoman’s horse

It all started when my brother and I were very young. Nan would bring us here for a cheap day out. She was very poor and lived in a one bed flat in a run down part of town. She was very religious and was the sacristan at her local church. She was also a marvellous grandmother and loved to spend time with my brother and me.

Scampi and chips at the seaside

She would take us crabbing on the jetty near the pier (when I was young, the pier’s sixth and seventh arches were gone – destroyed during a load test that went wrong). We never went in the water, which is thick with silt from the Midlands and Wales.

My brother and I would climb the rocks to the left of the pier

Nan eventually developed dementia, but we would continue to bring her here, where there were so many happy memories. By then the pier haf been repaired and we could get a cuppa tea for her from the cafe in the pavilion at the end.

The land you can see on the distance is Wales

When Nan died, we bought a plaque on the pier to commemorate her. Mum would love to come and polish Nan’s plaque, and soon it became a tradition for mum and me too come here a few times a year and polish Nan’s plaque and drink tea and eat cake in her memory.

Plaques on the pier; the deck is also covered in these little memorials

Mum and I knew that we didn’t have forever, so each day we spent together was precious. At the end of 2019, mum died. After COVID had subsided enough for us to travel, we bought a plaque for mum and had it placed underneath Nan’s. Now I come here a few times a year to polish both of their plaques and remember these two remarkable and loving women.

Scones, jam, and clotted cream

Seven weeks and six days ago, I was on the pier on Rosarito Beach in Mexico drinking tea and eating a cake, and remembering my mum and nan. These are happy memories, yet they still make me cry. And I am glad.

There’s lots to see and do in this little seaside town

It is strange visiting this place from my childhood where I have so many happy memories; so much has happened this last year – I am not the man I used to be. I am new. I am different. I have travelled to the Underworld and come out the other side. There is more to me and less of me. I have relearned much that I’d thought forgotten, and forgotten some things that I once thought were important. I have broken my own barriers and debunked assumptions about life.

I wrap myself in happy grief, and thank those who are gone for the strength they have given me

I have returned to this place, only to be seeing it from a distance.

I have crossed the world circling ocean, and washed part of myself away.

I feel new and ancient.

I am crowded by memories of another life; pressing against me, offering the warmth of their shade, and reminding me that I have been loved and that no matter where I go, that will always be true.

I have learnt that life is an adventure; a reality to experience, not a problem to solve.

I have been reminded that I am mortal and that one day I must return the gift of life.

Impulse Buys

After spending some time on the pier, I wandered into the town. There are two main areas with shops: the town centre, which is ok, but mostly dominated by charity stores and chain supermarkets, and Hill Road, which has quirky shops and cafes

Clevedon Community Book Shop Store, just behind the seafront, which mum and I would often visit and would almost always buy from if we did.
The Store for the Curious, which sells all kinds of knick-knacks.
Clevedon Music Shop, which we visited less often, but mum loved

There are quite a number of others, however today I cracked and bought something in each of them!

Drag Match is for my husband.

I like to challenge my reading and brain; I have never read any Thomas Hardy, so I thought I’d give him a go.

The Three Theban Plays by Sophocles (Oedipus Rex is the first), I read at university; I feel rather drawn to them of late thanks to my own journey of self-discovery.

The last impulse buy is an electric piano. I have a 68 key touch-sensitive electric keyboard, however it’s painful to play classical music on it because a) there aren’t enough keys! and b) the keys feel different to an acoustic piano. I can’t have an acoustic piano because they have to be tuned, and (more importantly) my husband doesn’t wish to hear me playing the first four bars of Moonlight Sonata on a loop, no matter how beautifully I play them.

I have to return to the music shop in about an hour, where a contemporary of Beethoven will have disassembled and packed the piano ready for the trip back to Southampton!