I’m Still Gay

A nice meal with good company and friends rather spoilt by hot flushes and migraines! I ended up heading home at nine and leaving them all to it. I was so tired by the time I left, which I’m putting down to disrupted sleep rather than low energy/fatigue, however it’s all stuff that I need to discuss with the doctor.

I did get a slightly better night’s sleep last night as I was less disturbed by hot flushes. I’m still a little tired this morning, but I went to the gym anyway, which makes me feel good. I always got really hot and sweaty, so I can’t read anything into being hot and sweaty this morning!

One thought that occurred to me: I am still gay. Removing testicles doesn’t change sexuality – I am still attracted to the same types of guys as previously, I still notice them. I remember from the interview with Gelding in the BME that he said that his interest in men disappeared. It hasn’t yet.

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Avoiding Oversharing

Last night, at the company meal, I was talking to a wife of a colleague and she mentioned that she had recently had a gastric band fitted to help her lose weight. I immediately felt that I wanted to share with her about my operation, but I hesitated because I didn’t really know her that well, although I do get on very well with her husband – I’d say that he’s friend kind of work colleague. I’d have been fine with her sharing that information with him, but I thought I’d rather share with him directly, since he’s the one I have a relationship with

Today I was having a chat with my boss about last night’s conversation, and he said “well, you don’t really need to tell anybody”, I said “that’s true, but I’ve had to tell a number of people that I wouldn’t otherwise have wanted to tell, I’ve told a number of friends because they’re my friends, I’ve told you because you’re my mate and I wanted you to know what’s going on with me, and I find it harder to be authentic with people when I feel there’s this thing that they don’t know”.

The closer I am to somebody, the more I feel the need to share the fact of my castration them in order to be authentic.  If somebody is important to me, then I feel this barrier, this gap between us, so I want to bridge that gap and let them in. Of course, I know that I don’t actually have to tell them anything.

I also think that the more normal people know about people like me, the less strange it will seem and the easier it will be for people like me to be accepted and find safe treatment.

When I first came out as gay I was really careful about who I told. I was dreadfully afraid of rejection. I rejected many people before they had chance to reject me. In doing so I did them wrong.

As I got older I began to understand what Pride really meant. I began to see that as an older, happy, married, successful gay that I had a responsibility to my community to show that it’s possible to be gay and happy and successful and loved.

I feel the same sort of responsibility to the eunuch community. Visibility and acceptance is importance. Celebration is deleting that we need – tolerance is not enough.

I talked to my husband about it this evening; he wondered whether I was seeking it out to justify the shame I used to feel about it. Or even whether I still felt that shame – I don’t think I do, but it’s something to think about!

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Ok, so it’s not actually made of silicon

While I was at the office, the silicon strip started to come off. I don’t think it’s actually silicon because it seemed to almost have melted.  I suppose it was a good idea to give the stitches a break for a couple of days. It looks like there is something like a whitehead actually in one of the stitches on my cock. I have resisted my usual urge to squish it and instead put some antiseptic cream on.