I might still be able to get it up, but I can’t get comfortable at night: my body cannot sort it’s temperature out and it’s making sleep difficult, which might explain the reason why I’m tired. Actually, I don’t know that I’m more tired than usual anyway, my sleep hasn’t been great for years.

I still have that ache that gets a little painful if I press it either side of the area above my cock. I don’t know what it’s about, nor how long is been there. I expect it’ll go away if I ignore it.

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Back to the gym today; I’m still on the cross trainer, but I threw in some pull ups first. Eight weeks ago, before my castration, I could do two sets of seven; the first set was in good form, the second was a bit ragged. Today I managed one ragged set of five. I suppose eight weeks without doing them might have that effect; I wasn’t much better than I am now after three weeks of trekking in Nepal.

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I’m struggling to concentrate at work today. I’m feeling a bit fuggy; it could be to do with the trouble I had sleeping last night, I certainly feel a bit headachy (take a pill James). If it wasn’t that I’ve felt this way at work for months, I could look at low testosterone as a reason.

I am having hot flushes and getting horribly sweaty while trying to work. This is not fun. So I take my hoody off, and then I’m cold two minutes later.

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I had counselling today rather than on Thursday; a bit of a catch-up of where I’m at and what I’m feeling and some of the observations on my emotional state. My counsellor did ask whether my increased emotionality might be a placebo effect, it might be, I don’t actually care: I like it and want to keep it.

I also talked about my reluctance to tell my dad about my operation. Why do I want to tell him? Why do not want to tell him? I’d have told my mum, but she was also my friend and we had that sort of relationship. I want to tell him because I want to be authentic, however we only really talk about things and actions (what projects we have about the house and his friends). We very rarely talk about feelings. My brother and I think that dad (like my brother and his eldest son) is on the Asperger’s spectrum.

My dad is going to be eighty in August; I’m also wondering whether it’s worth potentially causing an upset so late in the day. What a horrible thing to be considering. I don’t want our relationship to be any more difficult than it is at the moment.

There is part of me that realises that by not telling him that I am rejecting him before he has chance to reject me. There may be a reason behind this – he can be quite old fashioned and narrow-minded; he doesn’t take too new ideas readily. There is also a nasty characteristic on his side of the family that there must always be a black sheep. Dad was the black sheep when he was younger, then it switched to his brother; the family would gossip about him and his wife and we’re generally very unkind. My brother was out generation’s black sheep; I am constantly shutting dad down and telling him not to be so judgemental of his own son. Perhaps I could be the black sheep: I think I have the balls <<ahem>> to take it.