Rise of the Eunuchorn

New Ache

I did my ED exercise last night, so it was a lovely surprise when I woke up with a semi! The morning:s cleanup down there I saw one tiny spot of blood, so I will keep with my plan to wear the protective strip for at least some of this week.

I have discovered a new area of discomfort just above my penis. The swelling there hasn’t really gone down (the area above my penis, rather than the penis itself: that does go up and down). It’s most uncomfortable when I sit, and when I press against the area it actually feels a bit painful. Strange that I haven’t noticed it previously.

My libido and desire to seek out sex has flatlined, and I am often tired. I am way more emotional that I have been since I was a kid – ie pre-puberty ergo pre-testosterone!

Misfiring conversation

My husband was in a mood last night. I was too, but I was too dim to realise it. Just before we went to sleep he kicked something, then said “I didn’t say that I hope you don’t wake up in the morning, I said that I hope that I don’t”, to which I replied “either way, you’d win”. I can be an arsehole sometimes.

This morning we started talking again, even as I ate my breakfast. There were a few things that came out of our talks yesterday where it’s either been unclear or misunderstood or I’ve just been an arse.

Firstly, he is hurt and angry with my unilateral decision to be castrated means that discussing sex isn’t a priority for me because I’m not getting horny. That was his interpretation. What I actually said was that “maybe it’s good thing I’m not feeling horny at the moment” meaning that sex is now purely emotional and there’s not that “getting my rocks” imperative. However, it left him feeling controlled because sex is an important topic that we need to bring to therapy (when we arrange it).

He was also pissed that I have decided to manage my testosterone (when I eventually get it) to balance sex drive and emotions. He’s angry because it’s not been discussed; I replied that it wasn’t a decision, but was completely open for discussion. Actually, I’m hoping that he will take some lead in managing my testosterone (that’s the kinky side coming through there). We also discussed why it is that I feel that I’m emotional now and that I’ve previously said that my emotions were suppressed during my adulthood. I’d initially said that I didn’t have access to all my emotions, but rather meant that I couldn’t name or understand them. My husband had even suggested, upon a time, that I might be on the autistic spectrum. I believe that I was disconnected from my feelings and my coming out as non-binary started to unblock them, and my castration and resulting drop in testosterone has left me very much a feeling person again – the same sensitive boy that I was so many years ago.

He has asked why I now want to talk about and work on our relationship after twenty-six years of avoiding the subject. It’s a very good question: all my life I have avoided conflict, fleeing the situation mentally if I couldn’t flee it physically; now I am actively running towards difficult conversations – afraid of them but not afraid of the fear. Ooh! Interesting! That’s a discovery I made about castration – that I was afraid of fear more than I was of the object of the fear itself. I think I have transferred that learning/experience to my relationship. If that is the case, then it is an unexpected benefit.

I’m also reminded of something he said months ago: that I might feel empowered to make changes in my life. His great was that one of the changes I might fear was to ditch him … turns out that one of the changes I’m feeling strong enough to make is to change how I am within our relationship – to be fully committed to us and our future.

This Is Not A Test

After our talking this morning, we went out to do some jobs together. Starting with breakfast at Santo Lounge, then we had to get some topsoil to fill in mum’s grave after her ashes are interred (there’s a hole for a plant pot there which needs excavating slightly, then mum goes in, then filling in). After that we went for coffee.

When we got home, I said that I was going for a lie down, I asked if hubby would like to join me. I didn’t quite hear his answer, so I wasn’t expecting him and instead put on a hypnosis track.

I had the track on for maybe ten minutes when he came in.

In the style of Mamma Mia I’ll just say dot dot dot

However, I will note some observations:

The connection from me was purely emotional – no hormones demanding attention.
I was anxious that I wouldn’t get an erection.
When I did get an erection is was as hard as ever – it actually pulled against the stitches and was uncomfortable at times.
I cried quite a bit with the emotion of it.

I find myself wondering … do I really need testosterone?