Last night my husband and I talked; we do most nights. We talked about how he felt about this blog; he is ok about my keeping one, although he is worried about what I’m writing and whether he features anywhere. Fair enough. I didn’t help matters by asking him not to read it just yet; the phrase I used last night was “catch up”. My husband suffers from perpetual anxiety, so cliff-hangers aren’t a good idea. It became clear when we went to bed that the hint that there were things that he didn’t know were really stressing him out, so I put on the light and gave him a brief summary of what happened while he was in his PTSD episode, including the grabbing at my crotch, sleeping in the car, and the police. He remembered grabbing at my crotch and he remembered apologising for it (as do I). He knew that I’d been sleeping in the car, he thought it was two nights, I think it was three or four (I could read my own blog to find out for certain, but it doesn’t matter that much whether it was two or four). I said that I crept back into the house in the wee hours. Of course, he didn’t know about the police. I feel better for him knowing all the important details. He relaxed a bit afterwards.
He then told me that he’d been looking at having penis enlargement! He’s a big boy anyway, but if you’re not happy with your body, it doesn’t matter what somebody else says. He’s been looking at places in Turkey; I expect he’s ruled out Mexico, even though they do enlargement procedures, because he has had feelings about it due to my operation and how he felt about that. It is a shame, because if he’s going to do anything I’d rather it be done by somebody with a good reputation.
It also opens up the question (again) of dysphoria vs dysmorphia. I’m wondering whether he’d ever feel that it was big enough? And I know that his precarious self-esteem would be ripped apart if he was unable to get erections. Working out whether this is a dysmorphia or a dysphoria is crucial: if it’s a dysmorphia, then an enlargement won’t bring any peace or happiness.
Whatever it is, he is handling it better than I handled my dysphoria. He is a fundamentally honest person and lies and omissions cause him physical and emotional pain. I appreciate his straightforwardness.
I got about nine hours sleep last night and I still feel a bit tired. I had a couple of over-the-counter sleep aids last night. This morning I was a little concerned about white areas under the silicon strip that’s protecting the stitches. There was no smell, but what are they? Do I need to be worried? It was with some anxiety that I decided to ask my husband about them, since he has spent a lot of time recovering from self-harm injuries. He thinks that it’s fine, and that the body secretes a fluid to help with healing. The fluid is white, if it were yellow then I might have cause for concern.
You can read about the differences between a dysmorphia and a dysphoria here.
After lunch we talked a little more about the events while he was ill and his desire for a penis enlargement. I’m the just I would have objected “you don’t need one!” or “we don’t have the money!” but I don’t really have a leg to stand on. I really hope that, should it be what he wants and he decides to go for it, that it makes him happy.
We continued talking when we got to Costa for a coffee. I should have had a proper coffee with CAFFEINE, instead I had a chair chai. However, I was seriously beginning to flag, so ordered a double shot oat latte.
On the way back, we continued talking and the conversation moved onto kinkier topics. We are a long way from being able to play with each other at the moment – or even make love – but I seem hopeful that one day soon we might make out; or that we might be able to start exploring kink individually or together (hopefully together). I love this man.
I had a lie down on my own with a hypnosis track; I suppose it got me horny because I had a bit of a play by myself. I got nice and hard and produced some sweet eunuch goo. Funny how sometimes it’s completely tasteless and odourless and other times not. Today it did have a nice taste and a smell – I was glad of the smell: I seem to get turned on a lot by smells sand I was a bit sad the last time I came that it was completely without scent or taste. I’m glad that eunuch goo is so much nicer than breeder goo! On balance, I much prefer these orgasms!
One thing I realise is that I haven’t yet seen my own eunuch goo! I couldn’t tell you if it was black, white, or sky-blue!
Eunuchorn 
Leave a comment